Call me cute and I’ll bite your kneecap.
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A moment of silence please. Not for anyone in particular, everyone just shut up.
Thinking about the time my ex got me an eyeshadow pallet that was labeled “great for green eyes” gentle reader I have blue eyes
“YOLF!”
– immortals, probably
Beyoncé: Who run the world?
Me: Oligarchs?
Beyoncé: This really changes my song
If you would have told me 20 years ago that I’d be posting stupid jokes on the internet, I would have said what’s an internet.
“No, Mister Bond, I expect you to… draw tourists.”
*evil laughter*
Me at 15: I can’t wait to make my own money and buy whatever I want
Me now: *rinses off a sliced cheese that fell on the floor*
marriage counselor: you can’t run away from your problems
me: [leans forward, whispering] what if she gave me a head start
wife: I can hear u
Sometimes hanging around with kids makes me feel like a superhero.
“Uncle Denny I can’t open this beer can you help me?”
Haha sure thing kiddo
Forgiveness is for people who don’t know about arson.
One day I’m going to cure blindness. You’ll see! You’ll all see!
MOVING IS AWESOME
I GET TO PACK UP ALL MY THINGS AND SLOWLY REALIZE THAT THE MATERIAL GOODS I SPENT YEARS WORKING TO AFFORD HAVE BECOME AN ANCHOR FROM WHICH I WILL NEVER BE FREE
OH AND I MUST FORWARD MY MAIL
I honestly don’t know what my family would do without me.
I’m the only one that knows how to find the correct version of my toddler’s favorite song on YouTube.
can’t wait for 65 million years after we’re extinct and whatever race is in charge makes human-shaped chicken nuggets
I just passed the cutest kitten.
It was much easier than swallowing it.
Is someone who’s bound by ropes in a cannibals basement considered tie food?
[at haunted house, as the walls bleed and screams echo through the hallways]
oh cool. our cycles are synced.
Instead of sending a letter in a bottle, go one step further. Bottle up all your feelings, then throw yourself out into the ocean.
Playing “bad guy” with my daughter and she puts me in jail because “your tummy big”.
I guess loving a good burger makes me a criminal.
[job interview]
“Tell me a strength.”
I’m a decision maker.
“Excellent. How about a weakness?”
I’m a bad decision maker.
Should I buy a pizza? Heads I do, tales I ignore the coin.
My mother keeps saying my boyfriend seems like someone who’d be really good with children. Except, she’s never seen him interact with children. She’s only seen him interact with me. So idk where that impression comes from…
Spent an hour looking for my coffee cup because one of the kids PUT IT AWAY in the right place.
As a belated Valentine’s Day gift, I am leaving the country for a week.
My husband: how is that a gift if I have to take care of the kids alone?
Me: sorry I was talking to myself
me: God?
God: yes my child
me: I need help-
God: ask and thou shall receive
me: -moving into my new apt
God:
me:
God:
me: hello?
[on a date]
I’ve got butterflies in my stomach
“that’s so cute. You dont have to be nervous”
[flashback to me eating some butterflies] ok
[my attorney after our first day in court] leave the Hulk hands at home tomorrow
My son started school today. I’m excited to meet all the new illnesses he’ll be bringing home this fall.
I love how fresh & clean my bathroom smells after I’ve killed a spider with a full bottle of windex