*uses Ouija board*
NEW PHONE WHO DIS
You Might Also Like
4: The baby has a lot of skin!
Me: I think he has a normal amount of skin…
4:
Me: ….definitely the right amount of skin for him….
4:
Me: Please don’t do anything to his skin.
Sign of the times. 😒
#Hoarders #COVIDー19 #COVID #CoronaOutbreak
Me: Can I buy you a drink?
Girl: I’m an alcoholic
Me: Ok, but I can only afford one.
[job interview]
“So what are your goals for working here?”
To be home by 5
Don’t ask me for advice I still don’t understand what a 3D printer is.
My boyfriend is so rude. He hasn’t even introduced himself to me yet.
karate master: the easiest way to knock someone unconscious is to hit their temple
[later]
my bully brad: you’re stupid
me: where is your place of worship
April is Stress Awareness Month, as if I’m not aware of my stress the other eleven months out of the year.
Long story short, I accidentally left the cat in the refrigerator.
I’m not racist. White people scare me too.
Was at Taco Bell and heard a girl refer to her friend’s outfit as “ho-fessional” and now I have style goals I never knew existed
“ARE YOU LISTENING TO ME OR NOT?”
“What are my choices again?”
Why does Minnie Mouse wear heels? She is the only female mouse Mickey knows. Pressure’s off, girl. Your boyfriend doesn’t even have a shirt.
If you see a road sign that says ‘Survey Crew Ahead’, they do not want you to stop and answer questions. I know that now.
Peter Pan: just think happy thoughts!
Me: um, ok
[1 hour later]
Peter: *pouring prozac into my hand* look we don’t have all goddamn night
what if sneks had fluffy ears
what then??
Thoughts and prayers for my 4yo who’s distraught her twin brother finished peeing. She won’t be giving further details at this time.
I always chalk the pool cue as if it is going to make a difference
When 9 pisses off 7 then 7 flips him off with his ring finger. Then I laugh, 9 gets upset and I really shouldn’t be a parent.
The downside of having moles on my body is that my wife loves playing Whack-a-Mole.
[hiding my girlfriends Christmas present behind my back] remember how you said we were out of milk
I think about this a lot
St. Peter: “Spock?”
Leonard Nimoy: “I’m Leonard. Spock was just a character I played on TV.”
St. Peter: “HEY EVERYBODY! IT’S SPOCK!”
the most efective way to clean ur room, start a creative project, run errands, cook, brush ur teeth and take a shower is to study for a exam
I don’t even like sleep, it’s just the only way I can eat spiders
Great British Bake Off but you pair every contestant with a 3-year-old who really wants to help.
Came downstairs to watch the game and the channel had changed. Looked at the dog, he looked back, then slowly slid his paw off the remote.
Oil the single ladies
Oil the single ladies
Oil the single ladies
Oil the single ladies
If you liked it then you should have put a rig on it
just a heads-up any of you wander onto my property and say “hi! i’m from twitter!” i’m turning on the sprinklers