What happens when you retweet a compliment about how humble you are?
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What idiot called it a paternity test and not a pop quiz?
I’m not a fan of camping, if I wanted to sleep outside I wouldn’t pay my mortgage.
ME: *peeing in the ocean*
WIFE: at least go in past your waist
*Bee lands on flower covered in another flower’s pollen*
FLOWER: What’s that?
BEE: I can explain
F: I don’t want to hear your lies, Ian
Your smile is radiant. Close your MOUTH.
I can’t wait for the stage of capitalism where we have to watch a 15 second advertisement before we remember a memory.
nobody: …
my dog: yay !! look dad, I’ve found the dried chicken foot I hid in the bedroom.
please sir. my succotash. it’s suffering.
*at a pizza buffet in the Midwest*
Me: excuse me, can you please make a vegetarian pizza?
Him: Sure! What kind of meat do you want on that?
Let’s do something we both know we’ll regret in the morning. Let’s order KFC for dinner.
doctor: u might want to sit down
me: omg why?
doctor: you’re not the real slim shady
if you compliment a dude’s shirt, you better mean it, because that’s the only shirt he’ll wear out for the next five years.
[In a meeting]
Chad: You look tired this morning, Liz.
Liz: *glares*
Me: *whispers* nobody can help you now, Chad.
This happened in my sink by accident and it looks like I’m trying to cast a spell to summon soup
“It rubs the lotion on the skin so it can get the hose again.”
I say to my kids, slathering them in sunscreen before going in the sprinkler
I left my milkshake in the yard too long
And the boys got food poisoning
I work in manufacturing. A guy is downstairs adjusting a machine, and apparently someone brought him the wrong parts. I just heard him yell, “Your nuts are too small! Gary has some extra. Go grab his nuts!”
My kid is going on an overnight class trip and I told Jenny’s mom I was so excited and she was like “but then we can’t wait for them to get back” and then my face did a funny thing and my fingers accidentally deleted Jenny’s Mom from my phone
My wife bought me a ticket for an adventure on a submarine; did I mention she only bought one.
Maybe if I tilt my head to the side I can understand english ~dogs
If you’re just out of school and working at your first adult job you may be wondering, “Is this really all there is to life?” and the answer is no! There’s also back pain
In gangster movies they “know a guy” for every dirty job, yet I can’t find a single rando to fill in for Tuesday softball
“I Didn’t Want This But I Ate it Anyway to Keep Myself from Eating the Worse Thing and Then I Ate That Too”, an autobiography.
*practices like 1000 times in the mirror*
[at Starbucks]
“One grander none-fatty flaparinno”
barista: …
“I’ll try again tomorrow”
i haven’t put on any weight i don’t know what you’re talking about
A pirate reminisces:
“Ar, at first, ’twas all fun and games.”
*rubs eye patch morosely*
The main difference between my dog and my kid is my dog responds to her name being called
Omg. Why do I always look terrible when I leave the house.
*stays in bed until 4 minutes before I’m supposed to leave*
BOSS: You’re fired
ME: For giving up my seat to a blind guy?
BOSS: You’re an Uber driver
Co-worker: How are you today?
Me: *starts writing death threats on the wall in period blood.*