Tonight I wanna stay at home and watch a movie with my boyfriend.
Can someone recommend a good boyfriend?
You Might Also Like
If alcohol damages your short memory. Just imagine what alcohol can do.
all car guys agree that a dream car should be hard to get, expensive and fast as hell but get all pissy when I say “so the batmobile then”
Friend: I’m pregnant
Me: You should have just got a dog
WIFE: can you preheat the oven?
ME: you mean heat it
WIFE: not this again
ME: it can’t be heated before it’s heated. don’t give me that look
Important Valentine’s Day PSA:
Sure, we all think Cupid is cute, but you should never teach babies archery. If you think crying is annoying, just imagine a tantrum with flying arrows.
Be safe. If they’re under three, melee weapons only!
Marries a mime. Lives quietly ever after.
*animal dies in a movie*
this is the saddest thing I’ve ever seen*robot dies in a movie*
omg why am I crying it’s just a robot*human dies in a movie*
yes yes kill them all
Tried going out through the back of my wardrobe today but even Narnia’s closed.
My ex texted me today to tell me he has not one, but two dates this week. Anyone else have useless information I don’t care about to confess?
I can usually tell when a movie doesn’t use real dinosaurs.
if doctors are real how come I haven’t seen one in 29 years
Led Zeppelin’s “In My Time Of Dying” is my favorite song about a man with a touch of a cold.
“Son, hey son”
Yeah dad?
“Know why we named you Adopted?”
*Sighs* Because I’m adop-
“BECAUSE YOU’RE ADOPTED”
Good one dad
“I’m not your dad”
I understand division over pineapple on pizza, or whether it’s pronounced gif or gif, I’ve even taken sides myself, but people fighting over the spelling of woah or whoa take a step back now before this madness destroys us all*
*It’s whoa, by the way
Next time a doctor asks if I have a family history of cancer, I’m going to reply, “yeah, but only the ones that wanted to work really hard for it.”
Writing a song about getting my front door lock replaced. There’s a lovely key change at the end.
You’re so strain. You probably think this song is about flu.
When I was a kid I used to sneak into the racetrack. I was making a bet at the window and the lady said, “You’re not eighteen.” I said, “It’s for my dad,” and pointed out some old drunk. He waved. She said, “He looks wasted.” I said, “He is. Don’t make fun of my dad.”
War & Peace wasn’t written to be downloaded on your iPad, Carol. Tolstoy wrote it for you to carry around and impress people with.
Doing the New York Times crossword puzzle in pen means you’re smart unless you’re doing it on an iPad.
Do poodle owners realize they just bought a dog with a shitty 1980s white girl perm?
ive modified my phone to deliver electric shocks each time one of you unfollows me. The pain will make me kinder, humbler, and more powerful
Sure I have my doubts, but Bigfoot doesn’t have any pictures of me either.
My wife makes us recycle everything.
*empties condom into sink*
Due to personal reasons, I’ve decided to become a mermaid that lures sailors to their doom.
My dog is either dreaming or can’t quite figure out how to shape shift.
*licks lips*
Me: “Do that thing I like babe.”
Him: *orders pizza*
If you had a terrible childhood, you’ll be super-bummed out by Bank of America’s options for security questions.
When my boss asked me who is the stupid one, me or him?
I told him everyone knows he doesn’t hire stupid people……
Marriage is a lot of why are you looking at me like that?