AC changed “dies slow death” to “does slow death” and that actually feels more on point
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[wedding]
“Anyone know why these two should not be joined in marriage?”
ME: *from back* THEY’RE DOING A CASH BAR
*priest drops bible*
My wife bought me Costco underwear which I assume is the final line of defense against another woman wanting to have sex with me
her: what do you want?
me: to pay for my sins
her: this is a McDonald’s drive thru
me: I mean to pay for my McSins
Doctor: Are you getting enough exercise?
Me: Define “you”
INTERVIEWER: what do you consider your greatest strength
ME: …
INTERVIEWER: …
ME (38 minutes later): I’d say promptness
Grey Goose and Red Bull, because two sets of wings is better than one.
I feel a special bond w/ ppl that always pop up in my ‘May Know’ Facebook window. Like u see me,I see u &we’ve both agreed not to be friends
I hope my neighbors follow me on Twitter cause their car’s lights are on.
She wasn’t quite sure
Brad was a bit older
He seemed kind of shy
But she was much bolder
She asked him to dinner
“I’d love to” he told her
When she kissed him good night
Things started to smolder
But she ended it there
And gave the cold shoulder
When she got a ring
She’d be Anna
Remember when we didn’t let Meg Ryan stand up straight for an entire decade?
7: is it tomorrow yet?
Me: nope, it’s still today.
7: aww
I’m getting concerned that Beyonce never told those single ladies to put their hands down and now there’s a bunch of unfed cats out there.
Therapist: We must remove our masks and express our true selves
Yoga instructor: True
Nutritionist: So wise
Raccoon: This is bullshit, Alan
my Playstation got stolen… i have no one to console me.
Wait…you said JAZZ hands? Oh god. I totally misheard you. Please get me a towel.
HR: So, what would you say is your greatest strength?
Me: I’m really good at stealing office supplies.
HR: *Looks down to throw away my resume but his desk is gone* Holy shit.
ME: Can I have the job please
INTERVIEWER: I meant, like, questions ABOUT the job
ME: Ah, yes. About the job: Can I have it
warning lights and gentle chimes are not enough, when my car is low on gas I need it to punch me in the face
My diet starts in January
of 2027
The first rule of Suspense Club is͏
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Sorry for the way I’m dressed I have a scuba class after the funeral
*fakes own death*
*attends own funeral in disguise*
*takes attendance*
Me: My ex had a problem. He was constantly nauseous.
Friend: Actually that word is often used incorrectly. “Nauseated” describes feeling queasy. “Nauseous” means the person causes a feeling of sickness.
Me: I stand by what I said.
*First person to ever eat Chicken*
Friend: So what does it taste like?
FPTEEC: It’s hard to say!
[In meeting]
Boss: any comments?
Me: I wish I was drunk right now.
*Seductively stripping out of clothes.
Gynecologist: Please stop that.
My boyfriend literally has no problem making friends with anybody…
[First day as a plumber]
Boss: What’s wrong?
Me: *tearing up* This is nothing like Mario.
Started sex work and one of my clients came to my house, she complained that it’s too hot. She asked “don’t you have AC?”
I said no… OnlyFans
Wrong Way Do Not Enter seems like a weird name for a street.