Unlike smoking, vaping doesn’t reduce your sex drive. It just reduces the sex drive of the people who see you vaping.
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60% of my childhood was spent showing all my work on math tests.
Another previously unknown dinosaur was the Thesaurus who used flowery language to confuse and disorient predators while he made his escape
therapist: so, how are you feeling?
me: i’m feeling ok
therapist: great! let’s ruin that feeling by unearthing some childhood trauma
when someone asks me my body count do they mean like ted bundy or stormy daniels.
Being a woman means owning ten bras. One you wear six days a week. One is on emergency reserve in case you have to leave the house on laundry day. And the rest exist to take up space in your already overstuffed underwear drawer.
Forty is the new thirty!
At least it is according to the loan shark to whom I now owe an additional ten grand.
Please has anyone figured out what we should be doing while people are singing happy birthday to us?
Hostess: Are you staying for dessert?
Me: Oh no, I couldn’t. I’m too full. (ice cream dripping from my purse)
I wear a cape when I’m driving so if I get pulled over the cop will think I’m going somewhere to fight crime.
I do this really cute thing where I yawn right before my girlfriend kisses me so I almost swallow her face
She danced her way into his heart.
-She was doing the robot tho, so she looked like an idiot.
*Opening presents
1986: Please be a crossbow! Please be a crossbow!
2016: Please be a crossbow! Please be a crossbow!
Protip: Never look up from your breakfast if you hear the words “gruesome discovery” coming from your TV on the morning news.
A recent study shows that 90% of all adults have a chronic or even fatal disease
The other 10% don’t use Web MD
is the ultimate american drug watching an entire season of a tv show at once or getting married so you don’t have to die alone?
Cleaning out the clutter in my house / garage, so if anyone is in need of a spouse that snores and kids that don’t listen, they’ll be out front.
I bet when the toaster came out everyone was happy they didn’t have to throw their bread at lightning anymore.
a bloodbath has got to be the least effective type of bath
Date: Your profile said you wanted someone to attend a wedding with you.
Me: Yup!
Date: This wasn’t what I had in mind.
Officiant: Do you take this man?
Me: I do!
boy: you have really pretty eyes…
me: *suspicious* thank you…???
boy: *leans in slowly*
me: NO!!!! You cant have them!!!!!
Please join me in prayer for my two year old daughter, her sleeve is wet.
My cat looks at me like “I would have been a god in ancient Egypt, I’ll have you know”.
When a cop asks if you know why you were pulled over, respond, “I’m actually not allowed to discuss the details of the case”
People are out here fighting over Walmart and Target. Meanwhile, I haven’t stepped a foot in either of these stores for eleven years because of the same people who will fight over and in a Walmart and Target.
Avocados are like children. It’s important you spend a lot of quality time with them so they won’t go bad…
Hey…that’s not the wallet inspector
CASHIER: its declined
ME: run it again
C: sir, is this one of those fake credit cards they mail out
ME: no
C: your name is “local resident”?
[lumberjack interview]
BOSS: I’m gonna “axe” you a few questions. Haha do you get it?
ME: Yeah I “saw” that coming
BOSS: Ooo welcome aboard!
One thing books from 100 years ago teach us is that if you leave a baby in the jungle, it’ll be fine. Better than fine, actually.
ME: my wife and i are having a baby!
FRIEND: wow, that’s amazing! congratulations! sex?
ME: yes, that’s how we made the baby…