Shakespeare: ugh! I do no want to people today
Bee: that’s funny. It doesn’t even occur to me whether or not I want to bee
Shakespeare: *discreetly taking notes
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“Oh, hello! I didn’t see you there” – Translation: I have failed to avoid you.
DR DOG: It says you’re here for a blood test. First, some questions. Number one: over the last six months who’s been a good boy?
My dentist just looked in my mouth and said something is gonna have to come out. I suspect he’s talking about my wallet.
This guy at work always looks down my blouse. So im going to put a piece of popcorn in there to see if he points it out.
This baby at McDonalds may have started the screaming competition, but I guarantee I’m going to win it.
You can’t judge a book by its cover! That only works with people.
*Scrooge McDuck being put in handcuffs*
SM: Unhand me! What is the meaning of all this?!
Cop: Sir, you own half of Wall St. and are a duck
We caught and released a snake so it can scare the crap out of us in the basement on a different day
bears call children lost in the woods screamy appetizers. you can take my word on this
Didn’t sleep much but I got a few solid hours of worrying done.
“Give me a positive adjective…”
“Splendid.”
“Nice. Now how about a negative adjective?”
“Splendidn’t.”
I’ve been putting a scoop of sherbet on my neighbor Leslie’s car, every morning for six years. Today he shot me with an arrow.
“I asked you to find me some books about birding.”
“Yes, are these titles not helpful?”
“No! These books are all about going out and looking at birds. I don’t want to do that!”
“I’m now equal parts eager and apprehensive to find out what the word ‘birding’ means to you.”
It’s illegal to play pop music on a hot air balloon.
Wife:
Me: (swish, swish, swish)
Wife:
Me: (swish, swish, swish)
Wife:
Me: (swish, swish, swish)
Wife: I hate your corduroys
Melons are like: You have no way of knowing how I am on the inside. Take me home, honey. Buy me
Hospitals don’t like it when you unplug things to charge your phone w/ out asking first
Who called it your monthly period and not egg drop soup?
*sends love letter to boyfriend*
*awaits his reply by mailbox everyday*
*receives text with 👍*
*writes letter to IRS about his tax evasion*
My favorite thing right now is calling air pods ‘air buds’ in front of my daughter and her friends.
My aunt dropped by unexpectedly and when she knocked on the door, instead of barking, my dog tried to jump in the lit fireplace and I’ve never felt so on the same level as anything ever.
The officer said, “you drinking?” I said, “you buying?” We just laughed and laughed.
I need bail money.
Oh I don’t know. I woke up 2 hours early to get some laundry done. How do you THINK IT’S GOING?
I’m going to run errands, need anything?
“Yes, some new light bulbs”
Why, our current bulbs are too heavy?
“And a good divorce lawyer”
Me: Enough with the reminders. I got it already.
Also me: Oh shit that was today.
Give me one good reason not to have a drink.
Hepatologist: Hold my beer.
[caught hiding something in the garbage]
gf: are you eating hot wings again?
me: no
gf: oh really, then touch your eyes
me: god damnit
Me: DIALOGUE!!!
Other lumberjack: You’re supposed to yell timber.
Every piece of cake
Every cookie you take
Every bite of steak
I’ll be watching youDogs
Fired from my job as an autopsy technician for repeatedly asking “are you gonna eat that?” during the procedures.