Guy sitting next to me on the plane is also scrolling twitter. Trying to scope out his @ so I can DM to ask if I can put my head on his shoulder for a nap.
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Opened the lint filter on my dryer after washing my dog’s bedding and another dog fell out.
Nice try, horror movies, but the scariest thing I’ve ever seen is still a 4-year-old holding a sharpie without the cap.
Me: if a ghostbuster dies and becomes a ghost, do they have to bust themselves
Interviewer: that’s an excellent question about the job
I’m wearing nike pants so you have to just do it…
Staying off twitter is harder than eating water with chopsticks.
My dad had a new radiator fitted, then realised you could no longer open the drawer. So he remade the drawer like this to correct his mistake. This sort of thing explains a lot of my upbringing.
“I might pop down later” – Translation: You’ve more chance of seeing a dancing hippo than you have of seeing me later
“Kids, are you asleep?”
Kids:
*turns off the wifi*
MUUUUUUUUUUM
girl [smiling]: hey, how are you!?
me [visibly nervous]: not much!
“Why put a baseball bat up when you can just lay it down on a stair in the middle of the stairway? What could go wrong?”
~My son apparently
remember
only for emergencies
My wife rearranged the kitchen cabinets and now I’ll never eat again
Saying “have a nice day” to someone sounds friendly, but saying “enjoy your next 24 hours” sounds threatening.
Imagine if we discovered another ocean. I hope we name it Billy
My 6yr old has ruined my life by learning how to spell. I can’t talk about anything with her around anymore. I knew this whole school thing was a bad idea.
GOOGLE USER: What are symptoms of skin cancer
GOOGLE: 20% off best skin cancer now
5: I want to be like you, Daddy.
Me: Aww. Thanks, bud.
5: My back hurts. My neck hurts. My feet hurt.
Me:
5: My head hurts.
Me: I get it.
you know when you’re rocking the no makeup look and you assume you’re lookin all beachy natural n cute but then u look in the mirror and u look like a victorian child sick with influenza who won’t make it through the winter
bank: hello sir, we suspect some fraudulent activity on your account…a purchase of ten graduation caps?
me: *staring at my ten owls* interesting
people say opposites attract but I say find a partner who’s deranged in the same ways you are and double your capacity to be annoying
The dentist gives me toothpaste when I leave. Step up your game gynecologist.
Women that date guys with bad grammar are the goodest.
so we have ice (water) hockey, field (earth) hockey, and air/table (air) hockey…. folks I believe it is time for fire hockey
saying “we won” after watching a sports game is like saying “we played really well” after watching a concert
What…what happens if the crabs learn how to read???
A man who pretends to be rich in order to attract pretty, young women is not a “Sugar Daddy”.
He’s an artificial sweetner.
me: I’ll take this goth pear
cashier: that’s an avocado
holiday horror movie idea: you have 10 days to complete a completely reasonable task that takes 20 minutes to do
My horoscope said I will soon find the man of my dreams. I thought, “I’ve been married 25yrs,” then I thought, “But I’ll keep an open mind.”
I got the words yakuza and jacuzzi confused the other day.
Now I’m in hot water with the Japanese mafia.