There’s no song for those of us who want to throw our hands up in the air and wave ‘em like we have a great deal of concern.
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When my large dog wants to sit beside me but my other slightly less large dog already is, he just sits on top of him
This guys talking about “Calm down, everything happens for a reason”. Then he gets all angry when I punch him in the face. What a hypocrite.
When you’re an inflight safety pamphlet designer who definitely knows what babies look like
[invention of surfing]
“Stand on this wood so sharks don’t eat you”
It’s the remix to ignition,
I’m a terrible magician,
I cut your grandma in half,
And now my rabbit is missing.
wanted to know why i’ve been napping so often lately so i consulted webmd….. it’s not looking good, guys 😔
Birds are fed by their parents in their infancy. When the time comes to feed themselves, there can be some confusion when the food does not go into their mouth by itself.
[Me narrating a documentary on spiders] OH GOD GROSS OH JESUS DISGUSTING THERE’S ONE ON ME RIGHT NOW ISN’T THERE OHMYGODOHMYGODOHMYGOD
She believed she could so she did and now I have a meeting with her teacher and the principal.
Widow: I remember how he always drank eight glasses of water a day
Guy at crematorium across town: WHY ISN’T THIS GUY BURNING
[stewardess]
“Sir, even if you ARE, as you say, the REAL Slim Shady- the captain has asked for all passengers to remain seated at this time”
Take a stand against childhood obesity by chasing little fat kids down the street.
Single: Knows all the bars in a 10 mile radius.
Married: Knows all the restaurants in a 10 mile radius.
As a parent: Knows all the bouncy places in a 10 mile radius.
Say goodbye to your girlfriends cause I just bought a book on magic tricks
This time last night, there was a spider so big in my bathroom it put me under a glass on a postcard and carried me out.
Certain people have been making very hurtful remarks about my choosing to wear mittens rather than gloves
But I don’t like to point fingers
help keep the English language alive by teaching your kids nearly outdated expressions
Plus nothing beats a 5yo pointing & yelling “BEHOLD!”
An older couple saw me open my wife’s car door for her and came over to compliment me.
Moral of the story: old people are nosy.
Receptionist: The doctor will see you now
Me *shuffles further behind cabinet* better?
Receptionist: Yes but shh he’s coming
Dorothy: We have to see the wonderful Wizard of Oz
Toto: OK but I wouldn’t make a song and dance about it
Dorothy: [inhaling]
Toto: FFS
I knew I’d pissed off Mother Nature when she sent a hurricane to wash my car and then left it on my roof.
Don’t leave me alone.
Alone: I have a boyfriend.
How many wicks would John Wick wick if John Wick could wick wicks?
Every boy band song should have a part where they realize they’re singing about the same girl & get mad at each other.
Elon Musk: [throws soup out a window]
Chef: OMG VEGETABLE STOCK IS PLUMMETING
Me: Honey, would you please go downstairs and get mommy’s medicine and bring it up to her?
3yo: *Brings up a bottle of whiskey*
Me:
Hubby: “Well, she’s not wrong…”
I don’t care how poorly they do, I’m giving my kids straight A’s cause I’m not repeating this shit again next year.
“What if we took the sound of a cow giving birth and turned it into music?”
– inventor of the bagpipe
“I like your skinny jeans, are they new?”
No, I bought them 15lbs ago
Me: how do I get one of those singing groups?
Director: you mean a choir?
Me: *exasperated sigh* yes fine, how do I acquire one of those singing groups?