{to my new cat} i need you to kill this rat. u are the king of the jungle. u got this homie
{after watching an episode of tom and jerry} forget everything i just said. stay away from that rat. he’s going to kill you with a piano.
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“the moon is made of cheese”
You’re an idiot
“And yet you seem to be unable to refute my claim! Is it perhaps that you have no logical rebuttal? Tis always the side with the weaker argument that must resort to name calling. 😏”
[parking lot in the 80’s]
*man appears to be having a heart attack*
MY GRANDMA: calm down everyone, i know VCR
ME: that’s great, grandma. now he can record the shows he’s missing when he’s dead
Mom: “You’re a delusional alcoholic.”
Abraham Lincoln: “She’s right, you know.”
Waking up the guy next to me on the plane to tell him to tell the stewardess not to wake me when they come around with snacks
I get it, rotisserie chicken.
I hate it when people stare at me too
You ever bark back at your dog and then wonder what you just said?
Passwords are more important than ever.
wife: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i speak so quietly?
wife: well you could at least say something
My doctor wants me to take a stress test.
I should pass with flying colors. I’ve been studying for this my whole life.
If I got arrested I’d ask for one tweet instead of a phone call because none of my friends answer their goddamn phones.
Dang you got a good deal on your tattoo and the squirrel’s so realistic. What? A portrait of your Mom? Dude I wish my Mom was a squirrel.
Hear me out: a switch blade but instead of sharp metal a meatball sandwich pivots out
In the midst of getting dressed, I got a notification that my painted lady caterpillars were delivered four minutes ago, so I happily ran down the stairs to go get them and realized right before I got to the front door that I HAVE NO TOP ON.
Apps are like “wanna skip this ad? Click this tiny x, sausage fingers lol”
This is exactly why pilots do a ‘walk around’ prior to flying. If not, the low tyre pressure on this aircraft (left in picture) would not have been detected. #Safety
Kidnappers: We have your husband. Send us $10,000 if you ever want to see him again.
Me: Where I should drop off his clothes?
I’m at that age where I can’t simply pick something up, I need to first knock it over and then pick it up.
In hell, it’s always the last minute of a staff meeting and someone raises his hand for “one more quick question.”
Day 30 on the desert island. Out of food. There’s no other option, I’m going to have to talk to the other survivors
*barber hands me the mirror to check the back*
“Looks good!” I lie, after a few seconds of being unable to get the mirror to angle properly
Telling my Gen Z coworker that I have email addresses older than her was not the flex I thought it would be
[Brings pot brownies to the PTA meeting]
– New playground approved
– All classes now held outside
I always wanted to run a pharmacy and put “Seriously, TMI” on all the receipts.
(Teaching a Kid to Ride a Bike)
ME: Ready?
KID: *angry bleating*
7AM, Sunday: Just dropped the dog off at little league practice, walked the goldfish and flushed 8 down the toilet. I’ll get a new one so my kid doesn’t notice.
*takes sip of coffee* ..wait
People who say “teamwork makes the dream work” are the reason that some people want to punch other people in the face.
ENTRY LEVEL JOB OPENING:
Hiring recent college gradsREQUIREMENTS:
5 years of experience, 6 Olympic gold medals, and superpowers.
[Doctors appt]
Me: *getting weighed in the hall* this is so embarrassing. You really should put the scale in the patient’s room.
Doctor: well most people don’t get naked.
“Must you lick the knife?”
“Sorry,force of habit” I said “Loads of people do it though, don’t they?”
“Yes, but not during surgery, Doctor”
ain’t no way there’s billions of us and nobody got superpowers