My dogs bowl has DOG written on it so my kids don’t eat it
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*making cookies with 3*
Me: Santa will love these!
3:
Me: we need to leave some cookies out for Santa
3:
Me:
3: just one.
I can’t tell if I lost weight or stretched out my pants beyond the point of no return.
who called it a missed phone call from your parents and not a boomer rang?
He lifts up my shirt only to have a full serving of broccoli fall out, steamed to perfection
Normalize never cutting our kids’ food into “fun” shapes or crusts of their bread so no parent is expected to fulfill those ludicrous demands ever again
ME: [first day as a detective] Was the robber armed?
VICTIM: No
ME: *writing ‘probably a snake’ in my notepad* Thank you.
I thought PrintNightmare was when your boss caught you using the company photocopier to make your lost goldfish flyers.
Think I accidentally left a ‘do not disturb’ sign on my personality and haven’t had a ‘good morning’ message since 2020
Tell me one musician who was born to ask permission to go online.
I’ll start: Kenny Loggins
Just witnessed a home depot walk of shame (guy taking his purchase back in because it wouldn’t fit in his car)
One time I threw my cat at a spider so I could escape, but sure I’d love to hold your baby
Me: Dammit I’m not gonna let you die on my watch
Her: *chokes* It’s too late
Me: *leans in close* Get off my watch. It’s a Rolex.
A woman told me at dinner she liked me because I’m “not afraid to eat bread”–so I’m done with socializing for at least a year thanks
[on a date]
me: what’s your favorite book series about a big red dog?
her: uhh Clifford, i guess
me: wow we have a lot in common
Me: I might give this money to that homeless guy
Wife: Do you want it wasted on fast food and alcohol?
Me: No
Wife: Then give it to the homeless guy
One of the Monkees once told me that looking at Medusa would *actually* turn you into a baby semiaquatic rodent, but I had my doubts. Then I saw her face, now I’m a wee beaver.
Once a married woman “gave me a piece of her mind,”bc her (also married) TC retweeted me. I didn’t RT him, nor did I know the dorks were ‘TCs,’ but ok. Then he sent me DMs to say she was crazy.I didn’t respond so he told me I was a snob.
Anyway, I hate it here. I’m never leaving
This guy would have upwards of 50k followers on this site, and his tweets would be absolutely insane
[in the bedroom]
Her: *seductively reaches towards my hair*
Me: Babe…don’t touch the bandana
[ultrasound]
DOCTOR: oh my god!
HER: what’s wrong?
DOCTOR: Ok don’t panic but it looks as though you swallowed a baby
just found out the guy who is lying about the trans flag being the “MAP flag” was charged in court as a pedophile
[cuddling w/ 5 yr old son]
I hope he wants to do this forever
[25 yrs later]
this has lost its charm
My face is very symmetrical…over the x-axis 🙁
My 16 has entered the terrible 2s again but with a grown-up nefarious twist.
Before I had a child, I never knew that quietly disposing of a balloon could feel so much like a murder.
I’m so sorry my pet rock attacked you. Its just he really hates arrogant douche bags. Thank god he only hit your face.
Hear me out. A waiting room where the doctors wait.
My 3 year old nephew pronounces the letter ‘s’ like ‘d’ and received a very comprehensive lesson on the importance of the number six tonight.
Capture a raccoon & an octopus. Sit them on the couch. Give them snacks. Sit between them. Turn on the TV.
Now you’re ready to have kids.
My sex life has improved so much I’m thinking of asking someone else to join me…