If you call all the priests “daddy” you don’t have to go back to church.
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I love when Scandinavian people on internet forums are like “Sorry for the bad English, I still have a considerable amount to learn about your language, again I apologize for my diction which is likely quite malformed,”
*orders sushi for delivery*
*throws towel over aquarium*
I don’t like doing the same things again so much that I can never be a serial killer.
Yeah….seems legit. *dusts off hands* another customer satisfied.
It still pisses me off that teachers gave us shit about paying attention and then had to take attendance to see if one of their kids was missing
I wonder if there are introvert birds who get tired of all the chatter coming from the extrovert birds.
First date idea: you, me, and a blanket
under the stars. We slap the shit out of each other but it’s sweet because of all the mosquitoes
Machine uprising? Ha! What can they do? Toaster gonna burn my bagel? Vending machine gonna steal my money?
Like they do now… Holy shit.
I talk a lot of shit for a guy who spent way too long trying to peel a few slices of ham from what turned out to be an unsliced ham “steak.”
Son: Teach me to fight
Me: You don’t fight with these *makes fists* You fight with this *points to head*
[later]
Principal: Your son’s been head butting kids on the playground
Me: *nods sagely* Just as I taught him
Our toilet seat lid broke. My husband is shopping Amazon for a new seat. “We can save 11% by getting a used one!”
It looks like our local Walgreens is dressing up as Christmas for Halloween.
Me: You’ve got to get up pretty early in the morning to pull one over on me
Son: Why? You go to bed at like 6. I’ll just wait till then
*angrily detangles self from wind chime*
Me: how are you feeling about all of this?
Husband: i dunno. i feel like the cold hand of death is upon me.
Me. *pulling back my dried, shriveled, over washed hands* oh, ya, ya. sounds like you’re a goner.
Watch my hands when I say “latitude” or “longitude.” It’s as much for my benefit as yours.
I once made the irresponsible decision to drink and drive and now I have to live the rest of my days with a coffee stain on my favorite sweater.
Robert Downey Jr. will always be my hero, not because of Iron Man, but because he broke into someone’s home just to take a nap.
I met my wife through a mutual friend. Despite being together for 18 years, married for 14, in my head sometimes I still refer to her as “Alan’s friend”.
My husband is a dentist now! At least he acts like one asking me questions while I’m very obviously brushing my teeth.
[doctor presses play]
couple: maybe a different donor
I’m fearfully awaiting the day my alarm clock becomes self-aware and the snooze button hits me back.
“Everyone says they’re voting for Clinton or Trump, but I’m voting for Regina George because she got hit by a bus.”
“Never let someone else destroy your stuff when you can destroy it yourself”, every kid I know
melted five butterfingers together and made a butterfist
I don’t ask a lot from an elevator, but if you can’t get the buttons right, what else did you screw up?
Might be time to get in shape. Halfway up these stairs and I’m considering setting up base camp and trying again in the morning.
5yo: I love tv
Me: if you love it so much, why don—
5yo: I’m going to marry the tv
I like being a landlord for people I can feed noodles to all the time because they’re lo mein tenants.