[at the altar]
*leans in for a kiss*Priest: the bride, sir
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God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the
courage to change the things I can,
and a really big sandwich. Big ol’ sandwich
ME: Close your eyes, I got you a birthday present.
SPOUSE: *closes eyes* Oh?
ME: Remember how you told me you love Daft Punk?
SPOUSE: No. I said I’d love for you to stop listening to Daft Punk in the car.
ME: *nervously* Oh
*Daft Punk slowly rises from behind the couch*
I bought one of those endless magician handkerchiefs and boy, is my proctologist gonna earn his copay tomorrow
Behind every happy woman there is an empty bottle of wine…
2: [looks at old photo]
Papa you have no beard?Me: That was a long time ago, before Papa grew one.
4: [looks at same photo]
This before Mama had one, too?My wife:
Me: [sighs] 4 years. You had a good run, son.
a proper response to girl calling “amy?” in ladies bathroom wouldve been silence. but instead i yelled YOU WON’T FIND YOUR PRECIOUS AMY HERE
*Selling Thanksgiving raffle tickets
Me: Hey, how about taking a chance on a turkey?
Her: No thanks, I don’t want to go out with you!
So many people say they love their Roomba, but you never see them set it free.
I’m at that age where I keep swatting in the air around my head trying to kill the buzzing mosquito, but realizing it’s just my deviated septum..
Tomorrow I think I’ll just walk around restaurants with a clipboard shaking my head & hope they bribe me with free food.
I will be answering all questions with both middle fingers this morning.
_ _ _ _ _
The category is “Down on the Farm.”
Contestant 1: Pat, I’d like a an “T.”
Pat Sajak: Sorry, No T’s. Actually, no consonants.
Old McDonald: I’d like to solve the puzzle
In banana years, I am bread.
Windows 10? Cool!
Only 85 more versions before we come back to Windows 95
i think i understand why rhinos are going extinct
All I’m saying is that there is enough time left of 2020 for some guy to open up a theme park with real dinosaurs that will eventually break free and eat us all.
You may recognize me from many TikTok videos playing the role of Mom Who Talks Because She Doesn’t Know Camera Is On
I finished three books yesterday.
Believe it or not, that’s a lot of coloring!
INTERVIEWER: under skills you’ve listed “gets jokes” ME: haha, very good. good one sir, haha
Heading to the dentist. I hope they’ve all taken their Valium and said their prayers.
*Goes to Vegas casino
*Steps out of limo
Casino manager: Sir, are you a high roller?
Me: I am, now point me to your finest claw machine.
Me, seeing a man proposing to a woman in public: Hey, this guy bothering you?
There is no situation where banana bread isn’t an appropriate gift. You got a promotion? Banana bread. Your dad is dead? Banana bread. You had a bad breakup? Banana bread. Aliens steal your body for experiments? BANANA BREAD.
Hey pal, you wanna take this outside? *me & the guy from the bar scoop the bug up on a napkin and set it down gently on the grass in front*
Need cheering up? If you watch Jaws backwards, it’s a heartwarming story about a massive shark that gives arms and legs to disabled people.
When you just stick the tip in and then move it around and around.
– Hand held pencil sharpener
[first date]
HER: I love a man who likes to get a little crazy.
ME: *trying to impress* I’m a psychopath.
[courtroom]
Lawyer: If you didnt bite that surfers leg THEN WHO DID
Shark: I’m telling you idk
*whale in the audience opens a big newspaper*
My daughter looked me dead in the eye and said “Daddy, no matter what.. We gotta keep going and hope to see another day.” I just wanna know what the hell they got going on in her pre-k that’s so stressful that she came across that saying