We’re currently showing our home & still living there.
My husband hid the popcorn maker in the oven to make the kitchen look “cleaner.”
I preheated the oven to make dinner.
We’re going to be arguing about this for awhile.
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My parents just called.
M+D: We started watching Captain America Civil War from the middle.
ME: You should watch it from the beginning?
M+D: It came on TV and we caught it halfway through.
ME: Okay.
M+D: Real quick – why are they all at the airport fighting each other?
I see dead people.
No wait, I take that back.
I see people I want dead.
Welcome to procrastinators club. The meeting will start eventually.
A doctor’s 5 minutes is longer than a woman’s 5 minutes, so if a female doctor tells you she’ll back in be 5 minutes…you’re screwed.
Cashier: Hello
Me: Is it me your looking for… I can see it in your eyes..
Cashier:…
Me: Sorry, this is my first rap battle.
[army training]
Sergeant: dude you gotta stop crying
Me, sobbing uncontrollably: this is torture
Sergeant: everyone has to make their own bed
Add mushrooms to any salad for that farm fresh taste of dirt.
Miss 9 trips over something and bangs her jaw on the bed.
Ohh no, how come you’re so clumsy I ask just as I bump my own head on a door frame.
I often think if I’d taken a different path in life, I could be lying on a slightly more comfortable sofa right now.
I love that Twitter is so international. I can hit “send” & be misunderstood by people all over the world almost instantly.
Me: I love you so much, you know that?
Toddler: *slaps me in the face*
In order from least to most stressful:
– code works
– code doesn’t work
– code doesn’t work, don’t know why
– code works, don’t know why
Charlie: I can’t believe you’re giving me the whole chocolate factory
Wonka: Yup, all of it. Starting with these four law suits
[3 days into dieting]
*sees ad for burger & fries*
*drowns in his own saliva*
🤣😭 I done ate 22 times and took 13 naps and it’s still today
Me: You have two options. You can do as you’re told, OR spend time alone in your room.
3: I’m adding another option!
Me: *
*totally unprepared for toddler negotiating skills.
Me: I saved $2000 remodeling the bathroom [flexes muscles].
Her: Did you add the hospital visit?
Me:
But seriously- how do Superheroes even go to the bathroom?
I mean, look at their costumes.
exclusively asking for swords for Christmas and if I get even one everyone who didn’t get me one better watch out
I don’t get angry at my husband when he annoys me. I just drink his favourite Scotch.
Maybe she’s losing it.
Maybe it’s quarantine.
My boss want to sign us up for a 401k. No way I’m running that far.
The upstairs neighbors had a lovers spat this morning.
All I know is next time he better clean out the lint trap before he puts anymore clothes in the dryer.
saving this screenshot for the next translation/ localisation debate, excellent work everyone
wtf are you supposed to do when maintenance people come over your house? do I stand there and tell him he’s doing a good job?
u could put a horse in a time machine and send it to any era and the horse’s life would literally be the same
[finishing meal at rooftop restaurant] I’m ready to jump off whenever you guys are
What this four-way stop needs is some kind of signal that would let people know when it’s their turn to go
On a poster in my math class “4 out of 3 people have trouble with fractions” The sad thing is my first thought was “Oh good, I’m not alone!”