I was buying wine at the market and the checker looked at me and said you know you have to be 21 right so we got down right there on aisle 7.
You Might Also Like
girl on bumble: hey 🙂 ur cute but I noticed you didn’t include your height
me: yeah no need to add too much info!
girl: ok but how tall are you?
me: *struggling to type as I climb into my high chair* i don’t see why this is important
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Technically I pulled myself over, you only asked
C: I know, right? They make us say it like that
The pricier the food, the faster kids drop it on the floor
A young Lil’ Wayne sits alone typing lyrics into Word 97 when a cartoon paperclip suddenly appears on-screen.
[Did you mean “digger”?]
Have you heard about the late great actor?
“Wow, he’s dead?”
*Actor strolls in*
Nope, just never on time.
Waits for the worst possible time to tell you that they have to pee…
~Kids
Husband: You have a chip on your shoulder.
Me: You know that’s untrue because I would have already eaten it.
Last night my son got sick, so he went to his room to lay down. Could barely move and he looked horrible.
Half an hour later the ice cream truck comes down the street and guess who RAN to the door begging for ice cream 😂
The cashier told me to have a good holiday like my purchase of oven cleaner, cat treats, and hummus suggests anything else.
Me: I really like your glasses. They’re so cute.
Cashier: I like yours too.
Me: Oh, thank you. I need them to see.* I need them to see?!? I shouldn’t be allowed to speak 😂
We look weird together like two p’s in a ppod
A bad analogy is like a cucumber
[husband opening refrigerator]
Me: “What are you looking for?”
Him: “I don’t know, but I’m sure we don’t have it”
My husband and I ran out of toothpaste a month ago and neither of us said anything out loud but we’re both waiting on the other to buy more. The silver lining is we are finally making a dent in 15 years of travel-sized toothpaste containers from the dentist.
Why do eyes have little mustaches? And other things that vex me late at night.
Her: You’re so possessive.
Apostrophe: Only sometimes, Brenda.
*watches a house fall on you*
*steals your shoes*
Woman at drive-thru just called me “honey.” Headed home to tell my wife to take a god damn hike.
*installs google translate*
*looks at Arabic tweets for jokes to steal*
*finds half my tweets doing better than mine*
I’m so glad this hat comes with instructions
What’s that, turkey?
GOBBLE GOBBLE
Timmy fell in a well?
GOBBLE GOBBLE
[breaks turkey’s neck]
no time for your riddles, in the oven you go
Reasonable mental health and a good relationship with his mother? I can’t work under these conditions
wow, another wooden ball. would it kill avocado makers to put a different toy in there.
It took me three decades to become an overnight success.
*carpools to work*
Damnit Karen can you just match the windshield wiper setting to the frequency of raindrops
Boss ordered me a new office chair and I’m uneasy about this eject button.
I “accidentally” washed my cellphone once, and my wife has never let me do laundry again…. Yeah Accident
Me every day: You kids drive me insane. I need a break.
Me before a kid-free trip: I CAN’T LEAVE MY LITTLE SUGAR PLUMS
Walmart customers are classless.
You shouldn’t drink Cabernet from a Pringle’s can.
Those cans are meant strictly for Pinot Noir.
My general rule about animals is if I can catch it, I can pet it. If it can catch me…well, I’ll get a few pets in first.