I cleaned out all my closets and now it looks like a flea market threw up in my dining room.
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Me trying to fit a 4 finger kitkat in my mouth because I’ve just heard one of the kids approaching
Being married is mostly pointing out that the other person is always using their phone during the small window where you’re not using yours.
craving $300 all of a sudden
I wear a cape when I’m driving so if I get pulled over the cop will think I’m going somewhere to fight crime.
What do you mean hide under sturdy furniture during aftershocks, this is NYC, I have a tiny chair
I hope at the end of the movie, Batman and Superman have to sit down and write a list of all the things they appreciate about each other.
Imagine falling in love and getting married in space only to return to earth to find out what you each really look like with gravity.
want me to check your oil?
My children were pretending to lead a workout class, and one of them stopped and yelled “tater tot break” and this is a fitness trend I can fully embrace.
once i got commissioned to review a film, and when i went to file my story I said “Here’s my review! Not a great movie tbh” and then forgot to paste in the Google Doc link, so the editor replied being like “oh… we’d still like an article?”
What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas, is a crock of shit. If you get pregnant, pick up an STD, or contract covid, that shit will follow you everywhere.
day 16 of being stuck in:
me: shall I have another glass of wine?
my wall: yes catherine splendid idea
I would be a bad fish.
Fishermen would be like, “omg i’m so ugly” and I’d take the bait and disagree, instead of swimming away.
I don’t always leave the house, but when I do I shouldn’t.
what does awkward people do, when they run out of bad jokes? get som new ones
I’m gonna be upset when HBO starts killing off Sesame Street characters one by one Game Of Thrones style.
*I throw my hat into the ring*
Oh you wanna fight do ya?
*I throw my pants into the ring*
Pal this is gettin’ weird
*I throw my skin into th
[Interview]
“You were arrested for armed robbery?”
I had no choice. It’s silly to try and rob a bank without your arms.
“We’ll be in touch.”
Yesterday I bought 6 bags of Goldfish because I have children.
Today I have 6 opened bags of Goldfish because I have children.
Writing a song about getting my front door lock replaced. There’s a lovely key change at the end.
People accuse me of never giving a damn about anyone but myself, but I distinctly remember saying ‘bless you’ when someone sneezed last year
*sees melted chocolate swirling in tv ad*
ooooh yeah
*raisins fall into the chocolate in slo mo*
nooooo
*punches hole in wall*
*sees “The customer is always right” sign*
*the waiter sees me looking at it and mouths “not you”*
‘Hello Microsoft support, what’s the nature of the problem?’
‘Eggshell’
‘Eggshell??’
‘Yesh’
‘Oh hello again Mr Connery. Spreadsheet issues?’
“We want to take our engagement photos here at the library.”
“That’s fun. Are there parts of the library that are especially meaningful to you?”
“Not really, we never use the library.”
“Then why take your pictures here?”
“We want people to think we’re people who use the library.”
Me: I’d invite you in but my place is a mess
Friend: That’s OK. I don’t mind
M: The mess tho
F: Don’t be silly
M: I don’t want u in my house
him: hands up, this is a robbery!
me *looks around* it’s actually a bank
The world needs to chill out. There’s no way history teachers can cram all this bs into a semester
Do zombies go to heaven when they die?
I hope so.
There’s lots of nice people up there to eat.
[in a meeting]
ok a Dracula movie except he’s new in town and biting is illegal but he befriends the pastors daught-
“that’s just Footloose”