might be residually stoned but i keep reading “moonfall” as “moo ‘n fall,” which sounds like the cow version of a slip ‘n slide, and god as much as i love disaster movies i’d much rather see cows having fun
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I now know why they’re called the wee hours of the night
The Geek Squad needs a service where a plain-clothed tech will go fix my mom’s computer and claim to be a friend of mine so she doesn’t know I paid someone so I wouldn’t have to do it.
It’s extremely difficult to search my tweets when I constantcessantly make up nonsensicalistic words and greatastic werges.
Quit making fun of my barbed wire tattoo literally no one has even tried climbing over my arm since I got it.
Today’s fortune cookie reads: ‘you are the only human in this restaurant don’t look up’
Attorney: identity theft is a serious crime
John Jacob Jingleheimerschmidt: i will explain once more
THE BOY: ew, why you kiss the dog?
ME: ew, why you so jelly?
Me: It was just one time and I’ll never see her again. She means nothing to me.
Barber: I don’t care who cut your hair last, sir.
Hot people celebrate the new year in nightgowns and caps with tiny candles on plates & retire to their chambers at exactly 10 PM so they can go “honk shoo, honk shoo, mi-mi-mi-mi.” All hot people do this.
Me: *slowly unzips footed jammies*
Him: Heyyy…you uh…wanna fool around?
Me: What? No, I just lost an M&M in my onesie
Wife: *looking through my yearbook* you have the exact same haircut
Me: well I use a bigger bowl now
The one upside to triplets is that you finally have enough babies to juggle
My 4yo has been asking for no syrup on her pancakes. I thought it was really weird because she loves syrup, but today I saw her put a warm pancake on her face which explains the no syrup, and also probably why her face is so soft.
“When neighbors start talking, good things happen.” 🏡
Sometimes men engage in risky behavior.
Like when they buy a vacuum cleaner for their wife for her birthday present.
The wife and I decided we’re gonna try and have another baby so now she’s distracting the hospital security guy while I sneak in
Me: *practices best man speech while shaving in front of mirror*
Driver’s ed instructor: stop the car
I’m not sure but I think the family from Honey Boo Boo is just a family of bears that were shaved down and shown how to shit indoors.
whoever decided how to spell camouflage is a terrible terrible person
I just saw a reel where a momfluencer claims that if you just play with your toddler for 15 minutes a day, they won’t have tantrums, and I’m pretty sure this woman has never met a toddler in her life
Me: Hey Mom!
My mom: Oh haha I get that all the time
Me: Wha-
Definitely my mom: *walking away from me* Just one of those faces, I guess!
A thoughtful Romcom about mansplaining called “Well, Actually”
and that’s why I’m fat🤭
When you say you’re a “foodie”, that means you like to eat gross food and then pretend that you like it? When I was a kid that just meant I got dessert.
Friend: congrats on the engagement! Do you have a date?
Me: I was just gonna bring my fiancée
me to my boyfriend: hey hey you you i don’t like your girlfriend
kidnapper: if u don’t eat this salad we’ll kill ur friend
me:
kidnapper:
me: which friend
Careful, the circular motion you make with your hand to tell someone to roll down their car window is giving away your age.
being in a hamock is so comfortabel bc it replicates our condition before birth: being caried to earth inside the beak of a giant pelican
by this time next year, Ariana Grande’s eyelashes will be so long that male peacocks will challenge her for dominance