If Oprah took over Favstar, everyone would get a trophy.
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[Getting back into van after museum heist]
Me: Hey guys did you know that Neanderthals buried their dead?
superterriblemorningexpialidocious
I’m sorry, I didn’t hear one word after you said, “pie chart”
No matter how good your raspberry body wash smells, don’t be tempted to drizzle it over your ice cream. I’ve been burping bubbles for days.
Cop: say the alphabet backwards
Me: the alphabet backwards
Cop: okay, you’re under arrest
Me: but you said—
Cop: I didn’t say simon says
Me: oh shit
*Romantically carries pizza over threshold
How come it’s called an “engagement ring” and not kneel diamond?
Hypnotist: When I count to three you will wake up
Me: Then don’t count to three
Chocolate cheesecake so good you forget that your wife told you not to eat it.
I’m starting to worry about my husband’s eyesight. He can’t seem to see that the cutlery drawer is divided into sections.
The first rule of kite club is that we don’t talk about kite club. Last time, the guys from Fight Club heard and they beat us up pretty bad
me: are you guys going to publish my book on negotiating
publisher: no
me: ok
caveman: I’ve invented the wheel!
hamster: finally!!!
So many chores, so many kids to do them for me
[at Eminem show]
Cuz I am / whatever you say I am /
[from crowd]
“Ur a pony! Ur a tablecloth!”
The shapeshifting continues for hours.
I’m saving all my really good tweets for when I think of some.
kevin is now a local weatherman
i love that gatorade says 0% juice. like yeah we’re well aware there’s no fruit named “cool blue”
Critics agree that plot considerations did not justify the near-constant nudity in your film “How To Safely Use A Ladder In The Workplace”
I may seem confident on the outside but deep down on the inside I remember every time I’ve accidentally leaned on a light switch.
When I was a small child my grandpa would put me on his lap and say: “from the smallest taco seed a great taco tree can grow.” He was a gentle and caring man, but he didn’t know a goddamned thing about tacos
When choosing a heart medicine, always pick the one that causes, “significantly less bleeding.”
Less bleeding is good for not being dead.
so we’ve been wondering why our daughter insists on inserting the short end of the bendy straw into the juice carton. today, she explained her reasoning
Every family needs a delusional daughter who is ambitious about relieving all her family’s struggles solely by winning the lottery one day.
[wedding reception]
DAVE IS HAVIN A SEIZURE
Paramedic: How long has he been having convulsions?
IDK HE’S WHITE, I THOUGHT HE WAS DANCING
I prefer doing arithmetic naked. Means I can count to 21.
[before surgery]
doctor: we’re going to put you to sleep now. have you done this before?
me: yes, every night
[courtroom]
me: [under my breath] ᴵ ᵈᵒⁿ’ᵗ ᵈᵉˢᵉʳᵛᵉ ʲᵃⁱˡ ᵗⁱᵐᵉ
judge: pardon?
me: omg thank you
[lifts $1000 apple watch to my face]
Wrist computer: show me where hot dogs are.
What I wanted to do was look cute making dirt angels for Earth Day. What I did was ruin an entire outfit.