Me: while you’re up there let’s do a Spider-Man kiss
My dental hygienist: still no
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I’m dying louder than usual today.
*Hears sound in the middle of the night*
Mildly afraid – it’s an intruder.
Absolutely terrified – it’s going to wake my toddler.
When people start a sentence with “believe it or not” I’m like wow, those are two very good options
hardest part of beekeeping is thinking of all the names
85% of conversations with my mom is trying to figure out who the “she” in her story is.
Coworker left himself signed in to LinkedIn and now his skills include “mouth breathing”.
Barista: Hangover?
Me: Motherhood.
Them: You want the truth?
Me: No thanks, I’m trying to cut back.
Jesus: Go forth. You are now fishers of men.
Peter: *harpoons a guy*
Jesus: Too literal, bro.
[Trapped on a plane]
Me: Can’t put it off any longer, we must eat the other passengersWife: what no
Me: I’m growing weaker
Wife: We have been delayed for 45 minutes
HORSE WEARING EARBUDS: *walks into bar*
BARTENDER: Why the long fa–
HORSE: CAN I GET AN APPLETINI?
By 33, you’d think I’d have figured out at some point along the way where to put my arms when I sleep.
Drafting a lengthy preamble to a meeting I’m running helps to set the tone, provide context, and guarantee that I’m never asked to run a meeting again
“Do you ever get the feeling Mitch is an undercover cop?”
[MITCH enters]
MITCH: Hey guys! *speaking into shirt collar* I brought the drugs
Hey girl, did it hurt? Did it hurt when you had to use your fingernails to rip through the dense layers of sediment on your way up from Hell
Daenerys Targaryen is basically one of those people that thinks they’re a parent because they have a dog.
Helpful sayings when keys are lost:
“They must be somewhere”
“Where did you last see them?”
“They’ll turn up”
“What do they look like?”
“Have you checked your pockets?”
“And you’re sure you’ve checked everywhere?”
“They’ll be in the last place you look”
“You had them earlier”
I hated muffins until I was 17 & saw someone remove the wrapper on the bottom of a muffin before eating one. Prior to this, I thought it was just part of the muffin eating experience & would angrily eat muffin wrappers because… I just thought that I had to.
Me: Ok, who got Oreo filling on the couch?
Husband:
4:
7:
Me: Well…
7: It really could have been any of us.
4: (licks couch)
Me: we need to pick 9 up from school
4: we’ve picked him up a lot lately, let’s just leave him there today
things I would say ALL THE TIME were I a Mysterious Widow:
-how terribly kind of you
-richard LOVED the water
-i can’t, i’m wearing gloves
St. Peter: “Spock?”
Leonard Nimoy: “I’m Leonard. Spock was just a character I played on TV.”
St. Peter: “HEY EVERYBODY! IT’S SPOCK!”
My kid actually changed her sheets today but only because the old ones desperately crawled to the laundry room on their own.
My 4yo sang Old MacDonald but in his version “on that farm he was a cow” which was a plot twist M. Night Shyamalan would be proud of
“I don’t have to outrun the bear! Just you!” Wrong. Bears are so sick of that joke, they skip the slow guy and eat the fast guy now.
Bladder: I have to go
Laziness: Hang in there, champ
National Donut Day is like The Purge for delicious, round pastries.
Dear predictive text,
I am tired of sending people “Thanksgiving” when they send me a recipe or directions.
I have my hesitations about Paradise City if the first thing you brag about is the color of the grass.
During the first confessional I filmed for Is It Cake I said “I didn’t come here to make friends I came here to make cakes” and the producer said “Please never say that again.”