me: alexa, play that song by the ting tings
siri: THAT’S NOT MY NAME
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cop: do you have a permit for this?
noah: god told me to build it
cop:
noah:
cop: is that true?
god: never seen this man before in my life
ME: (before I bought a fanny pack) I wish I had something to carry this baby
ME: (after I bought a fanny pack) the baby doesn’t fit in here
Slipknot sacked their drummer a few months ago, and suddenly Kate Middleton is nowhere to be seen?
Surely not a coincidence, she must be locked in rehearsals frantically learning their tour set list and getting a horror mask fitted.
Oh sure, when my cat brings you a dead animal it’s because she’s giving you a present, but when I do it, I’m a “psychopath.”
Audi is coming out with a bigger SUV that seats twenty.
It’s the new Audi Torium.
When do kids stop eating things they find on the floor? According to my husband it’s not 38.
Detective: I see, and how long has she been missing?
Me: (holding back tears) 3 days
D: Mmhm. And we have her Instagram so we know what she looks like
M: Not really
My computer is frozen. Unfortunately it looks like moving my mouse around in circles did absolutely nothing to fix the problem.
My milkshake won’t bring the boys to the yard but I’m betting my free wifi will.
I see your IQ test came back negative
[presidents 2km race – finish line]
OBAMA (checks stopwatch): just under 10 mins, did I beat the record?
CLINTON: no, Bush did 9:11
When my wife falls asleep in a public place, I shake her a little and yell, “DON’T YOU DIE ON ME!” People always clap when she wakes up.
Me: Our house is always so messy! What can we do?
Husband: I’m inclined to ask the kids to leave
I miss the days before security cameras, when everything at the store was free.
“I’m practicing self care” I scream at the buffet waitress as she tries to wrench a whole steam tray full of lobster from my hands
me: you can get hurt when you don’t listen. daddy and I watched a show last night about a kid who lost his eye because he was being bad
6: what happened?!
me: well, he stole a dragon but that’s not the point
Ah yes. The three genders
[date]
ME: do you have kids or pets?
HER: a son and a cat
ME: what are their names?
HER: John & Batman
ME: nice! my son is also named Batman
The pipes burst at my best friend’s house and I accidentally told someone his water broke
[second date]
Me: so… is this your first police chase?
Someone told me they got a futon instead of a couch/chair because they wanted their furniture to be versatile.
You can use it for sitting AND lying down?
That’s cool, bro.
My chair can be used for sitting and lion taming.
[Christmas morning]
Snake: Thank you for the present!
Snake 2: You’re welcome
[5 minutes later]
Snake: Yeah, I got no idea how to open it
Snake 2: Not sure how I even wrapped it
Just saw 2 men with nets, a bag of worms and some rods. Definitely something fishy going on
Someone 5 miles away could drop their keys on a carpeted floor inside their home and my dog would still hear it and bark for 20 minutes
No thank you GPS.I have this magic ring on my left hand that connects me to the nice young lady in the passenger’s seat who knows everything
Even though it’s a quarantine you still need to shave your legs or deal with stubble and snagging your sheets.
Avoid the horror of watching your children’s nativity this year by using a condom approximately six years before you have to attend.
I have a hot tub built for two. Unfortunately, my body fits it perfectly now.
Do I like to live dangerously?
I wrote this without my glasses on so what do you thick