3-year-old: Daddy, I don’t want hair that looks like yours.
Me: What does my hair look like?
3: Like stupid.
She gets her tact from me.
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God: i’m sorry but the answer is no.
Butterfly: please?
God: I can’t do it.
Butterfly: don’t I deserve a best friend?
God: yes but a Toastfly is just too ridiculous.
Butterfly: ok fine : (
Jellyfish: he wouldn’t make me a Peanutbutterfish either.
If you give a man a fish, that fish is basically gone. Way to lose your fish
Any animal that has a face CAN SPEAK. They’re just being stubborn.
My husband and I make a good team. I’m about to start cooking Thanksgiving dinner, and he’s taking the batteries out of the smoke detectors.
Ok, I’ll bite
What’s an ab?
United Airlines just tried to charge me $25 for the bags under my eyes.
I own a Delorean but I only drive it from time to time.
When my kid has a friend over and he starts talking to me, I’m like, “No. This is the opposite of why I let you come here.”
When I am calculating any risk, I think to myself: is this first cat life behavior? Or ninth cat life behavior?
Coworker: Can you keep a secret?
Me: Nope.
[killer in horror movie suddenly appears]
me: *sighing* ugh I JUST sat down
Wordle 241 1/6
🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩
Finally figured out how to correctly play this game!
Waiting for my pumpkin muffin with maple streusel to be delivered
I have way too much responsibility for someone who still isn’t sure if 12pm is noon or midnight.
Sea Turtle: humans keep trying to touch me while I’m swimming.
God: it could be worse.
Sea Turtle: how?
God: tell him crab.
Crab: my legs are delicious.
God: [nods] his legs are delicious.
me at 18: i have hundreds of friends i could ask to hang out with me tonight
me now: maybe the weird dude who spit on me on the train this morning would like to be the best man at my wedding
My dad would be so mad if he knew how loud my tv is right now.
Swing states aren’t as much fun as they sound.
[colonizing Mars]
M:a:r:s
My boss tasked us with finding new and inventive ways to be productive while we work from home. So I tied a piece of string to my mouse and pull it every few minutes to keep my computer from going idle while I nap on the couch. I’ve never been more “productive” in my life.
Humans in sci-fi: Stupid artificial beings LOL. They don’t have FEELINGS, so you can treat them like SHIT
Humans in real life: I put googly eyes on my toaster. His name is James now, and I will protect him with my LIFE
Son, your mother and I looked at your browser history. Frankly, it’s not pretty. Do you for real need a walkthrough for Call Of Duty
Dear people who question why girls go to the bathroom together, Hermoine went alone and got attacked by a troll.
If Sesame Street really cared about children they’d realize Big Bird could feed a hungry family for a month.
My wife gives the best headache.
WIFE: I just read that men are five times more likely to be struck by lightning than women.
ME *on the roof in my He-Man costume with my sword* BY THE POWER OF GRAYSKULL WHAT HONEY?
You think you have it rough, try driving with two Pringles cans on your hands
Before I burn any bridges, I like to make sure there’s no bars or restaurants I really like on the other side.
Air Bud’s owner: There’s no rule in the book that says a dog can’t be on the court.
Chief Justice Roberts: *sigh* We’ll need his measurements for the robe.
Me: you can’t just be pretty. You have to be smart too!
8: But mom, you’re pretty.
Me: Awe thank……wait what?