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I sleep with a knife under my pillow just in case someone breaks in my house with cake.
Air conditioning so extreme, you could grow penguins in the living room.
In first grade when I’d tell my parents what I learned in class and they’d act amazed, I’d think “Shouldn’t you know this shit already?”
A trailer of The Exorcist comes on.
Non parents:
Aargh I can’t look.Parents with kids who don’t sleep:
Ah a film about bedtime
My phone autocorrects ‘sex’ into ‘pez’ in case you were wondering just how dead my pez life is.
My gynecologist sent me a refund check for $18.70. I don’t know what it’s for but I feel like I need to be offended.
My teacher told me not to worry about spelling because in the future there will be autocorrect and for that I am eternally grapefruit.
My second child was so overdue, when we left the hospital we dropped her off at kindergaten.
Me: Can I have $5?
Mom: What happened to the $5 I gave you in 1998?
The way my kids use toothpaste they’ll never have a cavity in their bathroom sink
Maintaining the universe’s equilibrium by taking on all the stuff everyone is giving up for Lent
how about a smoke detector that can tell the difference between me cooking bacon and my house being engulfed in flames
Dear Couples Who Fight In Public, stop trying to whisper and would it kill you to include some backstory.
If you were a tree you’d be a bonsai, and if you were mine you’d be dead by now.
No one
Absolutely no one
My kid: when you die, can I keep your brain in a jar?
“At least Donald Trump says what he thinks.”
Ah yes if only all racists would shout about it constantly the world would be a better place.
When Meatloaf said he would do anything for love, but he wouldn’t do that, he was talking about quarantining with his kids for 2 weeks.
I stole a podium. I’m finally taking a stand.
(Listen, I am very stoned and this is hilarious to me)
“Why don’t you slip into something a little… less comfortable?” He tentatively asks while eyeing my knock-off Tweety Bird shirt with multiple sketti sauce stains.
An empty box at the top of the stairs, the cat, an inevitable union.
Nothing displeases me more than when a friend gets into a serious plane crash after I’ve specifically told them to have a safe flight.
me hitting on a model
The great thing about having four kids is having four people to watch me bring in the groceries all by myself.
“I’ve said too much already.“
“All you did was blink.”
“Yeah, but twice.”
Every squirrel is a flying squirrel if you’ve got a good throwing arm.
AirBnB is fun for when you want to be financially abused by a stranger with a binder filled with rules.
My fashion sense has been described as “They probably won’t let you in like that” and “Are those your pajamas?”
I sign all anniversary cards with ‘Way to commit to the bit!’
Looks at today’s news…. hears Benny Hill theme.