Mistakes were made
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It’s mom law if your kid orders something delicious you have to taste it to make sure it’s not poisoned.
Marty McFly: *plays Nickelback*
Guess you guys aren’t ready for that yet but your kids are gonna love it.
*returns to the present to find a world without children*
[first date]
HER: I love a man who likes to get a little crazy.
ME: *trying to impress* I’m a psychopath.
People say sausage dogs are impractical but how many golden retrievers can run a fresh toilet roll under the cubicle door?
I’ve been given feedback that I mention my favorite serial killer too quickly at social events.
me: [pretends to throw ball for my GF’s dog and laughs]
GF: “you’ll regret that one day”
me: “why?”
GF: “my dog holds grudges”
me: “don’t be stupid”
[one year later]
priest: “does anyone here know why these two should not be wed?”
from the back: “WOOF”
Therapist: Are you two still romantic?
Me: I left him a heart made of post-it notes on the bathroom mirror last week.
Husband: There were chores written on all of them.
—Never bring a knife to a gun fight.
—I have to bring a gift to this thing? I barely know these people.
*Pizza Hut job interview*
“Do you own a shitty car and smoke pot?”
No sir.
“You will.”
I just like to keep my options open
-me, setting six alarms on my phone
Please sign my online petition to get Netflix to change “are you still watching” to “looking good nice pajamas”
Boys have dad bods
Men have father figures
One minute you’re young and fun and the next, you need a tow out of a beanbag chair.
I’m always fascinated when people in movies run from a madman and then hide and hold their breath. Sometimes I snort for air and get a little sweaty while reaching for a puzzle piece that’s juuuuust out of reach across the table.
This is Kaia. She knows she’s not supposed to be on the couch. In her defense, you were not supposed to be home this early. 14/10
bank website: you have one password attempt remaining before we kill your entire family
[Inventing octopus]
God: 8 arms
Angel: okayyyy
G: with suckie things
A: and-
G: Mouth like a parrot, shoots ink
A: wtf
G: …I ate mushrooms
My husband and I have reached the age that neither of us will get up to investigate even the strangest of noises.
There weren’t any open tables at this sports bar so I yelled “Chad, you left your Jeep lights on!” and now I can sit wherever I want.
Isn’t
People are shitting on gorilla kid’s mom for not watching. My mom had three kids under 5. I could’ve run a terrorist cell outta my treehouse
“Oh, I get it!”
– Me, when I didn’t get it.
coworker: you should try my therapist
me: i’ve seen their work no thanks
Zoom / MS Teams calls are the best places to see miracles happening.
Someone gets disconnected and everyone pronounces, ‘I think we lost her.’
Then they rejoin and say, ‘Hey, I’m back.’
What do people who drive 20 mph slower in the rain want from us
[cat diary day 2]
ok the guy just came and stole my poop again wtf
*Looks out the window to see it raining fire and brimstone* “Oh man my car windows are down!”
Kid: Can I get a new toy?
Me: No, Christmas is coming and you’ll get presents then
Kid: Can I have a candy bar?
Me: No, maybe Santa will bring you candy
Kid: A granola bar?
Me: Ask Santa 😉
Kid: A drink of water?
Me (only half listening): On Christmas
Is he dead?
Is he dead?
Is she dead?
Is HE dead?
What about him?
Is SHE dead?
-My kids watching 80s music videos.
why does PayPal sound vaguely threatening