It’s been 0 days since a member of family who claims to love me unplugged my phone to charge their own device.
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My husband surprised me by inviting his new boss and wife for dinner so I surprised them with an icebreaker of mocktails and Cards Against Humanity
*Hiring an electrician
Just so I know you’re qualified, how many eels can you safely hook together and use as an extension cord
When my Internet is down for more than 2 minutes, I assume Western civilization has collapsed so I start looting.
“We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty.”
ME: This is false advertising. I’ve been here an hour and nobody has even touched me. So lonely.
COP: Again, not what a holding cell is for
My autocorrect just changed “I’m off” to “I’m DTF” and changed a casual conversation with my boss into an H.R meeting.
Twitter: Just chilling with my cat.
Cat Twitter: My human won’t leave me alone.
In tense moments i like to think “what would Jesus do” and then violently flip over a bunch of tables.
Nobody:
Me: LORD OF THE RINGS IS A CHRISTMAS MOVIE THERE ARE ELVES.
I was a far more confident parent when I didn’t have any kids.
The part in Temple Of Doom where she reaches in the hole full of bugs, but me reaching into a pot of cold water in the sink to grab a fork.
IF A CAN OPENER DOESN’T WORK IS IT CALLED A CAN’T OPENER
My wife takes 13 bikinis for a 4-day beach trip. Meanwhile, I’m rocking the swimming trunks my mom bought at K-Mart in 1991.
The enema of your enema is your friend!
~ Autocorrect wisdom
Costco often changes the floor plan to keep the animals engaged as they search for their next meal.
And then come the thinkpieces. “ARE Cats Really iPhones?” “Why Telling People Who Think Cats Are iPhones They’re Wrong Isn’t the Answer”
Wife: you can trust me
Me: last week you told me I’d look good with a ponytail
Wife:
Me:
Wife: you can usually trust me
I made the obviously poor decision to only eat half of my burrito and now the other half won’t stop staring at me
7yo: Why can’t I have coffee?
Me: It’ll make u even more energetic than u already are
7: But u drink it all the time& u never have energy!
ME: Honey, I bought a Pet Rock
WIFE: A WHAT?
ME: Shhh, you’ll make him nervous
DWAYNE JOHNSON: *already peeing all over the carpet*
My bf’s first language is french, and he forgot the word for “lid”, so instead he held up the pot and asked “where is his hat?”
My turd eating dog just spit out something I cooked if anyone wants to come to dinner.
After seventeen years, today is the day I finally tell my wife she’s been folding our bathroom towels wrong.
He said ‘send nudes’ and my first thought was ‘ugh, I just sat down.’
The inventor of inappropriate innuendo has died
His family are taking it really hard
If I’ve learned any thing from dogs and cats, it’s that you can rub your head on people when you want attention.
Today while I was giving my dog a bath a spider fell out of her fur and ran across the sink. If you need me, I’ll be in therapy for the next 48 years.
I’m trying to explain to my mother how to get pictures off her phone, while we’re on the phone, and everything is awful.
stop whining about losing your ‘hot years’ to covid. some of us lost our hot years to not being hot