Girl, if you’re into rocks, I promise you’ll be
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*Looking through binoculars
Awww, it looks like she forgot her password. I should remind her what it is.
Wife : Even if you cheated on me, I wouldn’t leave you.
Me : Really?
Wife : Yes. Why would I reward you for cheating?
[Interviewing to be a mortician]
Do you have any experience handling dead bodies?-Well I get my sleepy kids ready for school every day.
My husband just told me to relax, like he doesn’t remember we’re camping in the desert and I brought a shovel.
I hate when people say “I’d give up my first born child for that.”
If you really want to entice me, offer to raise one of mine.
waiter: how would you like your steak cooked
me: i’d love it
DAUGHTER: [burying pet rabbit in the garden] Goodbye Mr Hoppers. I’ll miss you!
ME: [to wife] Doesn’t it have to be dead first?
my boyfriend invited the neighbors over for dinner “sometime,” so now we have to move.
Friend: How’s your Keto diet going?
Me: [throws fourth T-bone onto plate] My cholesterol’s extremely high, so I had a heart attack, but I’ve lost 2 pounds.
[steps off crosstrainer]
“Hey girl [out of breath, hands on knee] you like f-fitness? Cos I’m fitn–”
“Shall I call an ambulance?”
“Please.”
Shower sex be like:
When I see guys with skinny jeans and skin tight T’s on I pretend they are actual giants who woke up tiny and just had nothing else to wear.
Forever 21 has gone bankrupt.
One more Forever that didn’t last.
My robot vacuum and I are cut from the same cloth. When we see a line of dirt on the kitchen floor, we just spin around and go the other way.
In a marriage it’s always a competition to see who can look busier, hence why I sighed and shook my head repeatedly while writing this.
Me: My passion for the sea is rather inconsistent, I’m afraid. It comes in waves
Navy recruiter: Get out
With plastic being banned, Starbucks is running out of things to put drinks in. A year from now they’re gonna scream my name and I’ll have to drink my caramel iced latte straight from the barista’s cupped hands while another employee strokes my head like a scared horse
[at olive garden]
waiter: welcome to the garden, what’ll it be
me: olives
waiter: ok
canadian assassins are called killergrams
[Eating wings]
Pilot: This is a bad idea
Give the gift of sarcasm to a child and receive it back tenfold.
Not to brag, but I can cure my wife’s insomnia just by taking my clothes off.
Me: what number do you call if there’s an emergency?
3yo: 21 21
2yo: GHOSTBUSTERS
Me: you call 9 1 1
3yo: 21 21
2yo: GHOSTBUSTERS
Me: 9 1 1!
3yo: who you gonna call?
2yo: GHOSTBUSTERSEmergency training complete
Teaching my son to use social media for the first time ever, since he can’t see his friends. We’re working on the fine art of conversation and how not to respond to every girl with “sup.”
When you don’t understand how floors work
Tired of actually helping? Try prayer
Whoever named frogs got it 100% right. Those things are frogs
Absolutely batshit that they had one Irish character in Harry Potter and they just went with Seamus Finnegan. Like calling an American character Huckleberry McRib.
*finds $20 in the dryer*
*adds money launderer to my resumé*