One time I made my Scottish born mama red beans and rice when she came to Texas for a visit and after she accused me of trying to kill her.
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Food wedding anniversaries:
Year 1: champagne
2: strawberries
3: chocolate
4: donuts
5: protein shakes
6: microwave meal
7: Rat poison
Be nice to your family. They get to pick the picture that will be in your obituary.
My boyfriend woke up this morning with a huge smile on his face. I love sharpies
Ask Jesus if he loves me, but be cool about it.
Twitter has introduced me to like minded individuals and it’s comforting to know I won’t be going to hell alone
At the rate I’m throwing shit out as I pack to move there’s a strong possibility not all the kids will make it to the new house
crazy how my parents yelled at me as a child to “prepare me for the real world” when the only person who consistently yells at me is my cat
[buried under a pile of geese]
Ah yes, murder most fowl. Excellent.
[2 days into diet]
Gluten: come back baby I promise I’ll change
This a good idea
True freaking story!
My 3-year-old got a cut on her finger.
She’s holding it up to show people her band-aid.
Yes, that’s my kid flipping off everyone in the grocery store.
me: sorry I have to go my, uh, cat is texting me
date: omg just tell me you’re not interested
cat still texting: THE GOOD LITTER HAVE I MADE MYSELF CLEAR
Lionel Richie: hello.
Adele: it’s me.
Lionel Richie: is it me you’re looking for?
Adele: I was wondering if after all these years you’d like to meet?
Lionel Richie: holy shit *covers phone* now what the hell do I say?
Neighbor’s rooster hacks & crows like he’s been a lifelong smoker
🎶I Heard Mommy Screaming at Santa Claus🎶
– assembling my bike… I was about 6
the best advice i ever received was from george costanza when he said that if you look annoyed people think you’re busy
It’s only Ultimate Frisbee if someone dies
[caught sneaking spaghetti into a movie theater] It’s OK, I have a medical marinara card.
If you eat cake fast enough your Fitbit thinks you’re walking
Why can’t the T-Rex clap it’s hands? Because it’s extinct.
How disappointing is it that Han Solo didn’t name his son ‘Guitar’
Sure, intimacy is great and all, but have you ever slept diagonally on a king size bed.
If there is a zombie apocalypse I hope that they are thriller zombies because they’re fabulous dancers
My girlfriend [31f] doesn’t know how to count months and it’s actually causing problems in our relationship [31m]
me: do you want to feel my face, i’m very handsome
blind date: you do know i’m not actually blind, right?
me: *stuffing ryan gosling bust back into my bag* yes of course
You can see some absolutely disgusting and terrifying things in the subway. I once saw a guy order marinara sauce on his 6” tuna sub.
Won the “Typo of the Moth Award” AGAIN!
Ok, don’t let them know you’re a puma
Interviewer: We’re very impressed! You’ve got the job!
“REALLY!?! I’M SO HAPPY I JUST PUMA PANTS”
I finally opened the condom in my wallet and it had a beard.