I’ve been eating healthy, so it’s not the best time to confront me on something trivial.
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Kid: I love you so much!
Me: Aww, baby, I love you too.
Kid: No mom, the dog. I love the dog so much.
Me: Yeah, I love the dog more than you too.
Mirror, mirror on the wall…
Mirror: I said no.
Dr: you have pneumonia
Hillary: what’s pneumonia
Me: *fighting off secret service* not much monia what’s pneu with you
Team SnapChat: Merry Christmas!
Me (tear rolling down my cheek): they remembered
It’s awkward when I have to pull someone aside and point out that my fly is open.
My MIL told my (Canadian) kids to pick something she can send them from Target. Without hesitation my 6yo asked if Target sells diamonds. My work here is done.
If I’d been around in France when Marie Antoinette said “let them eat cake,” I would’ve been like “wait a minute, let’s hear this lady out.”
restuarants need to start hanging up pictures of their bathrooms outside so i know what im getting before i walk in the damn place
“Hey! Guess what just popped in my head?!?” — My dying words if I had an aneurysm
Billboards never give helpful advice like “hey you’re about to walk into work with your fly down”.
If I were rich, I’d buy stuff I wouldn’t even use. Like helicopters or soap.
Hate it when I’m fighting a guy and we create a cloud of dust and then he casually steps out and it’s just me in there.
[first person to see an ostrich]
Check out that chicken horse.
“Lost Unicorn…if found please stop doing drugs.”
A screensaver for my face when someone has been talking too long.
the ideal man is always thinking of several cool things at once (throwing a football really far, a truck with big wheels, giving a lot of high fives)
remember when we were little & we all thought we knew karate
[Stonehenge]
*Synth bass line*
*hooded figure pops out*
“Thiiiiis is hooww we Druuuiiid”
*other hooded figures pop out*
“It’s Friday night”
I’m not a piece of shit. I’m the whole shit.
MAN: I’ll get pasta & she’ll have the salad
COW: What’s that mean?
MAN: Uh-
COW: I’m fat?
MAN: … You’re a cow?
PIG AT NEXT TABLE: Ooo
Let’s hear it for the staff in this branch of Maplin, still able to crack funnies ahead of their store’s impending closure …
*sees someone drop their wallet*
*picks it up and runs after them*Excuse me! EXCUSE ME!
You… *catches breath* Your outfit is hideous
You’d seriously think I was wanted for murder by the way I react when someone knocks on the door…
My favorite pastime is roasting marshmallows over the bridges I burn.
All of my passwords are the names of various “Friends” characters. Except for Ross. I’ve never used Ross. Not after what he did to Rachel.
[approaching a person with a service dog who’s wearing a “Working: Do Not Pet” vest]
Me who is different and likely not target audience of sign: Hi, can I pet your dog?
I think my cats hate people as much as I do.
Every time the doorbell rings, they hide under the bed with me.
*Pikachu dies*
Ghost of Pikachu: At least in death I’m allowed a respite from the technological prison that is a pokeball.
*ghostbusters arrive*
Thoughts and prayers for this lady who tried to make her purse lighter by throwing out a couple of visiting cards.
Communing with the fog in the woods, anyone need anything?