I’m a little late to emojis. I can do heart (❤️) and I can do dinosaur (🦖), which pretty much covers any emotion I’m likely to have.
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*Girl comes out in a slinky dress*
ME: Ooh that looks like fun
*I push her down the stairs*
STATUS UPDATE: Helping my coworkers look for the last leftover donut I ate in the conference room this afternoon.
Drink to remember.
Drink to forget.
Tweet while drinking,
Wake up with regret.
God: you’re an elephant.
Elephant: dang i’m pretty big!
God: you’re actually the largest land animal in the world.
Elephant: oh wow!
God: I know right?
Elephant: am I the loudest?
God: lol goodness no.
Elephant: well who is?
God: [looks around] I call it the toddler : )
Guys, freedom of speech doesn’t mean you can spell things any way you want to.
My uncle got stuck in a cloud while skydiving and lived for 72 days by drinking rain and eating birds that flew too close
It turns out condoms aren’t 100% effective, unless you actually take them out of your wallet…
Millipede Parent: This little piggy went to market…
*ten years later* …and this little piggy went weee all the way home.
McDonald’s Drive thru: Sorry Drive Thru is closed. You can come inside if you want.
Me: Um
McDonald’s: We’re having some technical difficulties and are overwhelmed right now and decided to shut it down.And that’s how I learned about the importance of self care from McDonald’s.
If the Powerball has taught me anything, it’s how to turn $200 into $4.
[picking son up from soccer practice]
Me: how was it?
Coach: he did very well
Me: how many goals did you score?
Son: none
Me: right well one of you is a liar then
Sometimes I look at myself in the mirror and wonder, “Do my children just spit directly at their face when brushing their teeth?”
I saw a guy at Starbucks today.
No iPhone.
No tablet.
No laptop.
He just sat there.
Drinking coffee.
Like a Psychopath.
“DO NOT HIT ME. THE TURTLES DO NOT HIT SPLINTER. I AM SPLINTER TO YOU.” -real thing I just said to my son
[God making a planet for the first time and just constantly screwing things up]
Ugh, first world problems.
Well, it’s finally happened. White people are Tupperwaring themselves.
I bet the first mohawk was created by a guy trying to even out his sideburns.
[choking to death on a sushi roll]
CO-WORKER 1: John, your mute is on.
CO-WORKER 2: John? Can you hear me? Your Zoom’s muted.
CO-WORKER 1: John, you have to turn off your mute.
CO-WORKER 3: I don’t think he realizes he’s on mute.
TwinzerMom: Where’d you go?
Me: For a quick walk. Just kinda the first step on my fitness journey.
TwinzerMom: Must have been a small step
Me: Why do you say that?
TwinzerMom: Well, for starters, there’s powdered sugar in your beard
“You wastrel” I scream after pausing to look up bad person in my thesaurus.
added child seasoning to the list instead of chili, so that changes up next week’s menu.
[accepting a compliment]
you are wrong
“Let’s run the bell commercial we’ve been playing for the past 17 years and take the month of December off” – The Hershey Kisses Marketing Team
My car won’t turn off in the garage unless I check the closet for monster trucks.
this may be difficult to process but the real reason nana had plastic on her furniture was because she was a mob assassin
Nothing works harder than my sports bra when I’m chasing the ice cream truck.
there is nothing more wonderful than the laughter of children, except possibly my own laughter when I’m chasing them off my lawn while swinging a 2×4 with a nail in it
Life can be compared to a ‘Choose your own adventure’ book.
Sometimes there’s a happy ending; sometimes you get eaten by a bear.
[pulling out of the driveway on the way to a holiday party]
HUSBAND: Oh, we’re supposed to bring a dessert.