So, you had unprotected sex with a Robot, what now?!
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[9pm arguing]
Him: you always need to have the last word!Me: I do not!
Him: prove it
Me: *crosses arms, glares silently*
[3am sleeping]
Me: *whispers* I win
Parents, if your child asks, “Why do you look so tired all the time?” Don’t sugarcoat things; let them know you didn’t start looking this way until after they were born.
Her: I’m not going to keep pausing the movie to explain it to you
Me: I just have a hard time understanding
Her: they’re in that position bc he delivered the pizza but she doesn’t have any money
*Walks in late to dinner*
I see fed people.
one of the most amazing things in nature is that the basketball hoop is the perfect size to fit a basketball through
“What if we took the sound of a cow giving birth and turned it into music?”
– inventor of the bagpipe
Him: Productive conference call?
Me: Hell yeah. I painted my toes, posted 6 pictures on IG, and got in one solid nap.
[First ever date]
ME: I just didn’t feel a spark
CAVEWOMAN: a what?
The hardest part of having multiple kids is explaining why only your first child has a baby book.
if you have ‘on that grind’, or ‘never stop grinding’ in your bio I am assuming that you are a sausage maker and i will have a dozen mild italian.
if you encounter a bear in the woods, make your self as big as possible. Talk about how much money you make and how hot your girlfriend is.
5yo after licking my face: “Sorry. My mouth meant to kiss you but my brain told me to lick you.”
Interviewer: Your resume appears to have a few holes in it
Me: Yeah that would be from the ferrets
Working front desk at Motel 6 wasn’t paying the bills so I started dealing meth to the housekeepers. It was an Inn side job.
Your parents taught you to wash your hands after you pee. My parents taught me not to pee on my hands in the first place.
Coworker left himself signed in to LinkedIn and now his skills include “mouth breathing”.
🎹-🎹
🎹🎹, 🎹-🎹
🎹🎹, 🎹-🎹
🎹🎹, 🎶EVERYBODY DANCE NOW🎶
Why do they have to make things childproof when I’m still functioning at a kindergarten level of dexterity
Elbows may look like chicken skin, but they don’t fry up the same.
I’m not a god.
I’m a regular guy who just happens to be immortal and perfect in every way.
There’s a difference.
You do you.
I’m gonna do me.
*married sex
A mom hits peak passive aggressive when faced with the request “tell me a story”
Well Billy, once upon a time there was a little boy who literally never picked up his shit
A sheep walks into a bar. Lots more sheep follow, the barman counts them and falls asleep, the sheep help themselves to free drinks. Genius.
“There’s no I in TEAM,” he yells. “There’s no COACH in LOCKER ROOM,” I respond. He leaves in stunned silence, and is never seen again.
this chia pet tastes awful
“Have you forgotten your password?”
Fish: 😔
ME: ugh turn this off, I hate depressing movies
GOD: This is your life flashing before your eyes
ME: Put Ratatouille on
[in church]
“And Jesus, our saviour, died on the cross for your sins.”
[vicar points directly at me & entire congregation collectively nods]
Don’t tell me to “relax” and then get mad when I pee my pants.
The “t” in “Christmas” is silent.
Be like the “t” in “Christmas.”