This new diet is awesome: I can eat all the donuts I want and die happy.
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ME: This electric toothbrush knocked a few of my teeth loose.
DENTIST: That’s an egg beater.
Of course I work out. I do burpees after drinking pop. I do lunges to grab the last slice of pizza & squats if I drop it.
Finally a use for spoilers…
I hate when you get all excited bc someone says they had a dream about you and then you find out you were just there holding a clipboard
Doctor: *taps knee with mallet* feel that?
Me: No
Doctor: or this? *jabs toe with a pin*
Me: Nah
Doctor: Just as I suspected. This is my leg
My five-year plan keeps happening to Ryan Reynolds
My friend told me he doesn’t believe in having children so now I’m wondering if other people can see mine or if it’s just me
You can always tell when someone is on a diet by how they scrape every last bit from that yogurt container.
That time I pointed out to the guy trying to sell a magazine subscription that I have a “No Soliciting” sign and he rolled his eyes and said, “Yeah but I’m not soliciting, I’m selling”. Thus ends the tale of why I have a “do not disturb” sign.
The full recap of tonight’s events can be heard on my wife’s podcast, “What kind of idiot doesn’t cover the chili before microwaving it?”
[harry potter at work]
Colleague: when you were in school you killed a giant snake thing, right?
Harry: a basilisk, yes
Colleague: can’t even edit a google doc though, yikes *sips coffee*
Don’t you dare look at me with that come hither stare; I haven’t hithered in years.
LOL at vegetarians coming to my house for a BBQ! Feel free to eat my lawn.
L-O-L!
In a post-apocalyptic world, I’d be the one to shave my head and charge toward you with a machete while screaming. You’ll think, is that a man or a woman? It won’t matter. Small-chested and bald, this is my time to shine now.
They must have gotten it to go.
Open your mind…
DEAR GOD CLOSE IT CLOSE IT CLOSE IT
Hollywood sets impossible standards we can never live up to. Not even once have I saved people from dinosaurs with my knowledge of Unix.
[From Basement]: *scary murdery noise*
Me: oh shit
Me: *makes slightly more scary more murdery noise*
[From Basement]: Oh shit
[hell]
Me: Why am I here?
Devil: You told people you’d say hi to other people 3,789 times but only did it 4 times.
Me: OK that’s fair.
FFS. A bunch of ants are making brunch plans and doing yoga,because I spilled my Pumpkin Spice Latte,
need him
Make your own bacon by tricking 30-50 feral hogs into running headlong through a harp.
showed up to a party wearing the same shirt as someone else, how did we both fit in one shirt
No, you lookup addresses mentioned in crime reports to see how close they are to you.
[pulled over]
Dog Cop: you ran a gray light
Dog Driver: but it was still gray when i went through the intersection
Dog Cop: no it was gray
My family gather round while the lawyer quietly reads my will. He hands out 1 hot dog each and when they finish eating he asks them to leave
4-year-old: *sees a kid in the store* She goes to my daycare! She’s my best friend in the world!
Me: What’s her name?
4: I don’t remember.
Me: we’re having toad in the hole for breakfast
Pet toad: WHAT
Hmm, not sure about this change
My first scholarly article was rejected in a letter so scathing I worried there might be criminal charges as well.