Latest election news: Donald Trump narrowly leads Hillary Clinton by 4 lies.
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When a zoo animal dies they always call it “beloved” or a “crowd favorite” like there’s some animal named “Jimmy the zebra everyone hates”
My brain: Don’t worry. I’ll remember.
[1 MINUTE LATER]
My brain: So you’re not going to believe this…
Mama I made it :,) RT @funTweeters: #WayneL_Jr Your tweet was published Welcome to the family 🙂
I hate when you get all excited bc someone says they had a dream about you and then you find out you were just there holding a clipboard
u could put a horse in a time machine and send it to any era and the horse’s life would literally be the same
Before you decide to have kids, you should know that they need to be entertained 27 hours a day.
My math is correct, just ask any parent.
Amidst a decrease in airfare prices, WestJet has hiked the cost of checked bags and Flair has added a new credit card fee. Thankfully, Air Canada has stepped up and is offering an additional 50% off of your legroom!
Fact: There comes a point in every man’s life that he regrets teaching his son about triple dog dares.
A lady in a BMW pulled up to me on my bike to ask if it was hot out, and now my goal is to be so rich I can’t feel weather.
stay together for the future spouses of your kids, having two sets of in-laws is sadistic stuff
I feel like a taco salad is the worst way to eat a taco, and yet, the best way to eat a salad.
My husband’s coming home from a work trip, so I’m putting dishes in the sink to make it look like I didn’t eat toast on a paper towel for five days.
‘I don’t think I’ve ever been this hungry before’
–Me, every 45 minutes
*kids walking
Me: Come on, boys! We have to hurry!
Kids: Okay!
*continue walking at exactly the same pace
75% of a Scandinavian park ranger’s job is rescuing black metal bands that get lost in the woods shooting album covers.
You just found Jesus?
The rule is if no one claims him in 30 days you can keep him.
“africanized killer bees” are trending so it’s a good time to mention that Killer Bees are literally an escaped scientific experiment gone wrong, like in the movies
Me: I took two naps today and was just falling asleep again.
Him: I can think of something to wake you up. *wraggles eyebrows*
Me: Is it food?
I would thrive as a castle guard. Leaning on my spear. Leering at wenches. Move along. Hail citizen. Halt. And so on
My wife has been binge watching episodes of snapped, so I cancelled my life insurance policy, and haven’t slept or eaten in days.
Accidentally bring the wrong kid home on Halloween once and now I have to listen to the same stupid story EVERY year.
I’m generally an honest person, but if you ask me when I last washed my hair, I will lie like a rug, a rug that hasn’t been shampooed in 6 days.
adding ‘full stop’ to the end of a sentence makes your statement seem more important. for example, “will somebody please help me fight this mountain lion in my kitchen, full stop.”
Really not a fan of the wind. Why is the air in such a hurry? You’re outside already, where else are you even trying to get to?
No one has more ailments than a child who was put to bed.
[6:00]
This edible is never going to hit.[6:20]
*stirring my Pepsi with a fork*
Had pizza for every meal, just one piece. Breakfast, lunch, snack, dinner. Four pieces total, but I’m 700 calories over budget which makes me want to eat the other four.
Dear Amazon, I bought a toilet seat because I needed one. Necessity, not desire. I do not collect them. I am not a toilet seat addict. No matter how temptingly you email me, I’m not going to think, oh go on then, just one more toilet seat, I’ll treat myself.
Me: *singing “Don’t stop believing”*
Joe: What are you doing?
Me: Practicing for Journey duty
J: You mean Jury duty?
M: No, it says…shit
It’s really odd but it appears women want a boyfriend that lives thousands of miles away and is married.