Winning an argument on Twitter is the same as being rich in Monopoly.
You Might Also Like
My horse kicked me in the head last month and sent me to the ER. My insurance is telling me to sue him.
WHY not look a gift horse in the mouth what could it have in there
Remember when all bombs looked like a black bowling ball with a giant wick in the top? Yep, simpler times.
Sorry I yelled “SURPRISE!” when you caught me in bed with your husband.
I was unaware that you don’t like surprises.
My girl put concealer on and now I can’t find her.
In the wake of inflation, and the conflict in Eastern Europe, the Germans are predicting a shortage of sausage and cheese. They’re formulating a plan for it, which they’re calling the würst/käse scenario
My laptop has a Miley Virus. It’s stopped twerking.
TRUMP: I’m gonna lose, huh?
RYAN: Yes.
[silence]
TRUMP: Thank God.
RYAN: I know
TRUMP: I’d be SO bad at it
RYAN: We literally all might die
Hey America! Flip a coin and elect an idiot already. You’ll hate him either way and I just want my friends back.
people who live alone should get one practice conversation before they have to speak out loud for the first time that day
Bartenders should put a pink straw into every woman’s 4th drink, as a signal to all the men in the bar, that she’s ready.
I can’t believe Halloween was 10 pounds ago.
Me: *buying 50lb bag of chicken food*
Cashier: Do you have chickens?
Nothing freaks me out like trying to remember which brownies I packed in my son’s lunch box
Oh, so when a survivor takes an arrow to the head, it’s a “tragedy.”
But when a zombie get hit, it’s a “good kill.”
Hypocrites.
Welcome to twitter, the support group for people who like people who don’t like people.
Pro-Tip: if you check yourself into the asylum you get a bed, good meds and three squares a day without having to do any chores.
lawyer talking under his breath: “guiltypeoplesaywhat?”
suspect: what?
lawyer: no further questions your honor
Humans become vets but animals never become doctors. How about returning the favour for once? We spend five years training to keep animals healthy. Most animals can’t even be bothered to live that long.
Kim Kardashian compared getting through her divorce was like beating cancer. Except cancer is real. She should compare her stupidity to it.
Finally, a cream that replaces me with another person
Kim Jong Un has upgraded himself from “Leader of North Korea” to “Supreme Leader of North Korea” by adding sour cream and extra cheese.
My favorite thing to say to old people is, “When I was your age I didn’t believe in reincarnation either”.
You know how you stumble to the bathroom at night keeping your eyes squeezed shut so you don’t fully wake up?
That’s the whole month of January for me
judas: hey man want to come out to last supper
jesus: what?
judas: regular supper, we’re having regular supper tonight, are you free
Me (being murdered): hey I need to switch the laundry
Murderer (stops stabbing): oh dang you don’t want that stuff sitting in the washer
Why aren’t we using these t-shirt cannons for burritos?
Exciting news: I got invited to be on a heist team. Not sure what I’ll be doing exactly but being a “fall guy” sounds important.
[listening to the neighbors argue through the walls]: mmw mmwm wmmw mwm mwwmm wwmw
mwm wmmwm wwmw mmwm
mwwm mmw mmwm mwwm mwmwm
me: oh stephanie you’re better than this
I grew up so poor our dog could only get one rabie.