Roommate: If you continue stealing my kitchen utensils I will move out!
Me: That’s a whisk I’m willing to take 🙂
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*undercover cop knocks* Hi fill out this survey to win a free IPad!
1. name
2. address
3. email
4. where are drugs
*mustache falls off*
Stop giving me life advice, people who don’t know how crocodiles have sex.
In space, no one can hear you scream.
In cyberspace, no one can shut you up.
I hate when I’m hanging up my clothes and I find an unused exercise bike from 1987.
Raising Twins
Twin 1: *looking at an old photo album* Is this me?
Me: I literally have no idea.
The bathroom just ran out of paper towels, so obviously I had to wipe my hands on the next person I passed in the hallway.
If I ever met a Space Alien, I’d resist shaking its extended appendage, not knowing for sure the details of alien anatomy.
Tried to take a drink of water while lying flat on floor and was immediately reminded of my place in the universe.
Next time you’re in a public bathroom and someone knocks, assert dominance by saying come in
I said “Candyman” 5 times into the bathroom mirror and sure enough some woman came out of the stall and screamed at me for being in there.
GOD: welcome to Heaven I will answer any question you want now.
ME: why does Target have 25 checkout lanes with only 2 always open?
GOD: …
I gave my 12yo a punishment and she asked if I could pick a different punishment, thereby demonstrating that she does not, in fact, grasp the concept of a punishment.
I didn’t set my clocks back. I’m writing this from one hour in your future. We have jet packs.
[boxing match]
ANNOUNCER: …and the challenger weighing 8lbs 7oz, Billy “The Baby” Sanchez
CHAMP: That’s a real baby
TRAINER: You got this
The people making the worst decisions in Vegas tonight are standing in line at Subway.
“I’m in a New York state of mind” ok so you’re just being rude to tourists and eating bagels
Snow White is baking a pie with squirrels and chipmunks and there’s not one turd anywhere.
Not one.
I’m sorry that I’m canceling plans.
I made them last week when I assumed that, by now, I’d be a different person.
i took my metal detector to the beach and found a huge slayer concert
chik-fil-a employee: It Would Be My Dying Wish To Serve You, Great Lord
me: I just want some nuggets man
cfa employee: I Would Die For You
Me: Will you marry me?
Girlfriend: No.
Hot air balloon pilot: It takes me about an hour to land this thing so this is now awkward.
Sad thing is, they probably never even gave it a chance
I thought it would be funny to show my young coworker a picture of myself from 20yrs ago and say, “Nightshift is hard. This is me before I started working here 4 years ago.” She looked horrified, which was funny, but I still decided not to tell that joke anymore.
I prefer the Easter Bunny, for starters, he’s not making a list and checking it twice, and more importantly, he’s not watching me when I’m sleeping.
I had to use first and middle names on my daughters today for overly rough play in the pool.
Ages 22 and 25. With 401ks. This never stops.
The five years of life you gain by eating healthy are spent preparing healthy food.
I don’t care who dies in the movie but it better not be the dog.
I’m fckn weak!!!!!! 💀
My youngest son’s dirty clothes sit on the floor, beneath the laundry chute.
I admire his hope that they’ll bounce up and swish down.
Our dishwasher doesn’t know what hit it.