This bar smells like my childhood.
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Moving is a lot more fun when you make the Movers carry you on top of the mattress like an Egyptian pharaoh
You didn’t let me know you got home safely so you better at least be injured or I’m gonna be pissed.
Saying “let me show you how it’s done”
– arrogant
– condescending
– vibe killerSaying “this is how we do it”
– it’s Friday night and I feel alright
– the party’s here on the west side
– so I reach for my 40 and I turn it up
– designated driver take the keys to my truck
Office Tip: If you have an even slightly more advanced understanding of Excel, do not, I repeat, do not share this secret with your coworkers.
me: let’s get some gorilla glue
horse: oh thank god
just watched a bird catch a worm at 3 in the afternoon
everything is a lie nothing is real
There are 3 kinds of players on my child’s soccer team:
Those who play to win, those who come to socialize, and those who put war paint on their face with dandelions.
Nice try, horror movies, but the scariest thing I’ve ever seen is still a 4-year-old holding a sharpie without the cap.
To clean them like a pro without leaving any traces, you’ll have to wash your hands like a politician
I took off my shirt when I got home and my wife put her eclipse glasses back on.
My daughter is interviewing with an ice cream shop. I told her that when they ask if she has any questions, she should say “Yeah, can you give me the SCOOP on what it’s like to work here?”
They’re not wrong
Ive been so busy photoshopping memories for my daughter. Now she can remember the time we went to the running of the bulls in Spain.
Flying cars sound great but have you seen people drive? No way man
There’s a song playing in Panera that goes “I got your Christmas right here”, and this just sounds so aggressive to me .
“Hi I can’t remember the name of this actress.You know her, she’s in that movie you saw. She’s got that hair.”
-actual message from my mom
Protip: If your wife asks you “When are you going to clean that up?” never respond with “I was waiting for someone else to do it.”
*pokes head out of dressing room*
uh yeah, i can’t find a single bottle of ranch in here
the admin of this account is now hating mathematicians for developing maths
Girlfriend: You never say anything romantic to me.
Me: *just called her the rootinest tootinest cowboy the west has ever seen* Are you joking right now?
Therapist: healing isn’t linear
Me: what if I pay extra?
Some music just moves you. For example this Taylor Swift song playing on the radio makes me wanna drive off a cliff
[meeting new people]
Them: so, tell me something fun about yourself
Me: *nervously* I don’t wear clown makeup usually
Her: I love pizza
Me: *trying to impress* they actually called me pizza face in middle school
[Pixar Studios]
HIRING MANAGER: Your resume says you have prior experience with animation, is that correct?
DR. FRANKENSTEIN: Yes
6yo: “Mom, Mom! I got to the number 200.”
Me: “Wow! Great job counting.”
6yo: “Thanks, I want to get to 300 stickers on the floor!”
Me: “Wait, what?”
So you’ve had white presidents, a black president and now an orange one. I’m crossing my fingers for the Hulk next time around.
Scientist: The average person spends 6.9 hours a week on Twitter.
Me: You mean a day?
Scientist: What?
Me: What?
My organization style can be best described as “just don’t look in that room.”
Vegetarians live up to nine years longer. Nine horrible, tedious, meaningless, worthless, baconless, cheeseburgerless, meatless years.