HIM: We need to decide who to eat first as we’re stuck on this desert island
ME: Actually it’s a “deserted” island
H: Ok so that was easy
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THEM: eat shit and die
ME: well, if nobody else wants any
Wife: We need a new fridge.
Me: This is a terrible day.
Wife: You can use the old fridge as a beer fridge.
Me: This is the best day of my life.
American: We’re really not that gun-obsessed.
Brit: Where did you get that t-shirt.
American:
Brit:
American: FROM A CANNON BUT THAT’S NOT THE POINT
Did you know cats are called cats because they’re roughly half the size of cattle?
“You’d look better without make-up” You’ve never seen me without make-up, you have no way to know if that is true, I am putting your cast iron pan in the dishwasher
My Dad said he wanted tools for Father’s Day, so I brought my ex and my boyfriend.
Learn to negotiate like my 5-year old. Instead of asking, “Can we please get a kitty?” he asked, “Are we getting a kitty today or tomorrow?”
A starfish has five arms.
An anablep has four eyes.
An octopus has three hearts.And you’ve got two faces.
Her: I feel a special connection between you and I.
Me: I think you mean between you and me.
Her: I don’t mean either now.
* wishes on shooting star
” the wish you have wished for has already been taken, please try again”
*writes in climate’s year book “Best of luck. Don’t ever change!”*
I wanna party with whoever decided to ditch their shitstreaked underwear in the bushes at the McDonald’s drive thru.
So apparently you’re supposed to change the lint filter in the dryer more than once a year firemen are hot
Me: I love pastry
Person on Twitter: I see that you like pastry and that’s fine but also I wondered if you ever knew that pastry was responsible for a murder in 1977 when someone set a sausage roll on fire which caused a fatality so you’re basically condoning murder here’s a link
#SexEdWontTeachYou how to deal with idiots…
Inspiring: Celebrities Spell Out ‘We’re All In This Together’ With Their Yachts
[to guy with his foot caught in a bear trap]
dude that things for bears
There’s nothing quite like a family gathering to remind you of why they’re so infrequent.
Han: *approaches Endor in a shuttle*
Imperial officer: What’s the password?
Han: It’s “password.”
Vader: We should really change that.
They’re not called “butt hole mirrors.” They’re called “hand mirrors,” according to this clerk at Walgreens.
How dare my wife accuse me of not helping her at home when I washed the dishes without her asking, just 6 months ago.
Me, hands in the air: woo! SHOTS SHOTS SHOTS.
My doctor: *rips up prescription she just wrote for codeine cough syrup
(Art Museum)
Me:*sees nature painting*
*pulls out sharpie*
*draws sun in the top left corner*
My 5th Grade Art Teacher: *thumbs up* nice
I love when I can still smell your colon on my pillow the next day.
-why spelling matters
Look, I’m sorry about your leg but this note from my doctor clearly states that this is an emotional support wolverine.
Put my back out twerking in the library again
I didn’t ask to be the “bad boy” of professional tennis. Probably why it never happened.
How many mystery writers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Two: One to screw it almost all the way in and the other to give it a surprising twist at the end
Life hack: McDonald’s will deliver if you tell them that you are holding Ronald hostage for a ransom of [your desired food order]
Not sure why bigots think gay sex is wrong, all, “Sex is for procreation!” I thought Ke$ha was proof that people can be conceived anally.