“That’s gonna drive me nuts” – peanut farmer showing off his new truck
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[holding my brain upside down, shaking out its pockets] gimme your serotonin nerd
pulling petals off a forget-me-not but it’s just me trying to figure out if the weather this weekend is snow or thunderstorms
Parenting Tip: Wear clothing with pockets so you can flip off your children inconspicuously.
When I was 18 I thought it would be cute to get a butterfly tattoo on my lower hip but after 6 c-sections it looks like a sad moth in a top hat.
I’ve learned something today – “dibs” is not the appropriate response when your best friend announces their divorce.
*At the checkout
Cashier: How many croissants?
M: Four
*Cashier eyes up the crumbs on my face.
M: Um six
My toddler just tried to change the channel with a chicken finger and since I had the remote in my hand I totally let him think it worked.
Rival dad across the street has been getting on my nerves lately so today I’m leaving my garage doors open so his wife can see what a clean organized one looks like.
*watches Forensic Files for tips*
*taps pencil*
*scribbles “DON’T GET CAUGHT”*
*taps pencil*
*pauses*
*underlines it*
therapists should give you a discount if you make them laugh in session
This is a friendly reminder to go drink water you dehydrated bean
I’m cleaning out the attic if anyone needs a mint condition box and user manual for a cordless phone I donated to Goodwill 13 years ago.
A microwave with three only buttons.
1. Hot Pocket
2. Pizza Rolls
3. 4 Hot Pockets and 60 Pizza Rolls
If you’re wondering what good can come from all of this, at least they’re now putting tamper seals on pizza boxes.
flight attendant: this man is dying! is there a doctor on board?!
her: i’m a doctor
my mom: [to me] that could’ve been you
me: ma, being an IT professional is a perfectly fine caree-
my mom: i’m not talking about the doctor
therapist: so what’s troubling you?
me: my parents taught me to be so polite that now i have trouble taking up any emotional real estate
therapist: and how does that make you feel?
me: fine
If by free thinker you mean nobody has given me a penny for my thoughts then yeah, I’m a free thinker.
When I die, please bury me wrapped in a sheet. That way I won’t have to look for one when I become a ghost
fun prank: go observe the newborns at the hospital & if someone asks which is yours say “I haven’t decided yet” while sobbing uncontrollably
Interviewer: strengths?
Me: I’m sociable and can pretend to get along with most people….
Interviewer: er, ….. yes ok, right, moving on! Weaknesses?
Me: erm….*thinking furiously*…. bladder??
My mother’s gravy is so lumpy it’s having a biopsy.
BRUCE LEE: Be formless, shapeless, like water.
HARPER LEE: Things are never as bad as they seem.
PARSLEY: I am a stalk vegetable.
‘I have a ripe avocado at home’ is my favorite excuse for cancelling plans
I told my husband that one of the kids isn’t his. He’s not mine either. He just wandered in one day and never went home.
If two people meet and wind up in the bedroom and discover they’re both doms, do they just fight to the death?
Is someone who’s bound by ropes in a cannibals basement considered tie food?
{notices you’re wearing silver earrings}
sorry your ears came in 2nd
Parenthood is basically just pretending to be angry when you aren’t and pretending not to be angry when you are.
Husband of the year 😂