Why, woefully unprepared happens to be my middle name
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cop: we’re investigating the disappearance of your neighbor
me: i don’t know where dave is
cop: how did you know it was dave
[ups guy walks up] got an order for a human sized hamster wheel
Anyone can wish upon a star, but it takes guts to wish upon the moon. If you don’t aim that wish perfectly it will ricochet off a crater, which is how we lost the dinosaurs
Accidentally blurted out “skip intro” when my mother-in-law wasn’t getting to the point.
in a home invasion my attacker goes for a knife in the kitchen drawers but it’s jammed by the potato masher and I make my escape
To understand the difference between Italians and Canadians all you need to know is two things. Italian sausage and Canadian bacon…
*Runs fingers over Braille calendar*
Is this a date? It feels like a date.
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: Hunting accident. I think my friend is dead
911: Can you verify that he’s dead?
*gunshot*
Me: Yep, he’s dead
Ever notice how people who say “Better to ask for forgiveness than permission” never actually ask for forgiveness, either?
Teamwork is essential, it allows you to blame someone else.
Politician: I love democracy!
Me: I’m voting for The other candidate.
Politician: not like that
When your wife asks what’s on TV, dust is not the right answer.
*holding your xray up to the light and looking at it*
when did you first notice your back hurting?
“after the knife went in”
I used to laugh at my neighbour for getting the gender of his dog wrong for years until my cat laid an egg and now I suspect it’s a penguin.
If a bear attacks me, I’m staying put. The only thing worse than getting attacked by a bear, is getting attacked by a bear while running.
I always carry a yoga mat with me so I can take a nap right after eating at the Golden Corral.
Nobody has ever believed in me as much as the chef at this food cart who just handed me a burrito not wrapped in foil.
WAITER: how was everything
ME: [rubbing belly] so delicious. thank u
WAITER: great. please stop rubbing my belly
[getting ready for church]
Me: If you don’t hurry up and get dressed, we’re leaving you behind.
6-year-old: Okay.
Me: If you don’t hurry up, you have to go to church twice.
6: *gets dressed in record time*
Son [doing homework]: What’s an example of a palindrome?
Me: Mom.
Son: Ugh. Fine. Mom can you give me an example of a palindrome?
Wife: Dad.
Son: OHMYGOD WHY WON’T YOU GUYS HELP ME
Phantom of the Opera: Oh sure, NOW masks are totally cool.
All my mom’s plants die from being overwatered and that’s all you need to know about my childhood and why I’m like this.
Carves “you are a doo-doo head” into the car door of my enemy because my sword is mightier as a pen or something like that
Angel: we need to make more creatures
God: why?
Angel: you killed them all
God:
Angel: giant meteor..
God: oh ya lol, idk bring back wooly mammoths they were cute
Angel: but the ice age is over it’ll be too hot
God: c’mon man it’s the weekend just shave em or something
Sometimes at the beach it’s like “gross, is that a condom?” Yes. And it’s staying on. Not looking to raise any shark children.
idea: business cards that just say NO
Sir can I have 5 mins of ur [card]
Girl can I get ur number [card]
BRO DID U STEAL MY NO CARDS [card]
[boss’s office]
I’m tired of staff that think they know everything! Do you know what I mean, Murray?
“No, sir”
I like your style, Murray.
Wife : don’t forget to pick up the kids at the school
Me : why
Spice up your marriage by slamming doors sometimes when you’re not even angry.
“Easy Come, Easy Go” – My clinic name if I ever become a urologist.
SATANIST #1: we need a lot of blood for this ritual
SATANIST #2: yeah but how can we carry it all
KOOL AID MAN: why is everybody staring at me