Ratio should be pronounced like Daddio, which sounds like a really cool Rat.
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*eating chips for breakfast at 3 pm*
I wish I had a better metabolism
My clothes don’t fit anymore.
There’s only one possibly explanation.
America is shrinking my clothes.
Got a scam email full of mistakes like they’re not even trying. It won’t be long before AI takes their jobs.
[start of interview]
Me: hi sir nice to meet you *i go to shake is hand but spill his coffee everywhere*
Interviewer: …welcome to BP
cat guru: ask yourself – what is the sound of a hairless cat coughing up a hairball
It’s amazing how people will leave you alone if you just commit to faking a British accent all day
At McDonalds looking at the menu through opera binoculars.
“What’s your name?”
“Sharky.”
“Is that your real name?”
“Does it matter?”
“I guess not.”
*hands me my order*
My garden backs on to railways. About 10 years ago the fences were falling down, complained to network rail who did nothing. In the end, the whole bit of our street got together and put up new fence ourselves. 30 feet back into their land. They’ve never noticed.
The best way to stay safe on the road is to drive like something other cars want to avoid.
Fact: The best tuna fish salad recipe is the combination of ingredients that best covers up the taste of the tuna.
Me: “Oh, this is my dinosaur, Rory.”
Him:
Me:
Him:
Me: Roarrrr… get it?
Apparently hospitals are not the best place to start unplugging things so you can charge your iPhone.
When one of your kids forgets they borrowed some your clothes & wear them in front of you. That.
My 6 year old just said that if she likes her husband she’ll take his last name, but if she doesn’t like him he’ll have to take her last name. Sounds fair to me.
I passed a library which is strange because I don’t remember eating any libraries.
Today I beat my personal record of consecutive days alive.
I was so tired that I failed a stupid captcha test 3 times in a row yesterday & if that’s not human, I don’t know what is.
Call me hun one more time and I stg I will invade a small European country.
Pretty certain I can more drunk
Marrying a person isn’t the only way to get someone to take your name, there’s also identity theft #MondayMotivation
Me: The dog gives me more kisses because he loves me the most.
Him: No, it’s because you never wipe the ice cream off your chin.
you know who else had a “fun hat phase”? Abe Lincoln. and we all know what happened to THAT guy
I’ve been turned down so many times they call me bedspread.
Me: I would love to sleep with you
Her: ok I think we’re ready for this
[We lay down and nap because we are not perverts like you]
ME: so I’m taking him down the hall and he’s like “have a nice day” and I’m like “you too”
OTHER DEATH ROW GUARD: omg that’s so embarrassing
There’s no human I hate more than the attendant in the bathroom at bars. Bro, I can handle this portion of my day ASSISTANCE FREE.
First date
Me: when you said you were a WWF fanatic, I thought you meant Words with FriendsHim:(in tights) YOU’RE GOING DOWN *flips table*
Wrote “no thank you” on my jury duty summons and sent it back so I think I’m in the clear
Might start wearing turtlenecks so that when I want someone to stop talking to me, I can just unroll the neck up over my face