Scientist: what do u know about atoms
Me: very little
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Every spy movie character who gets shot:
I need to find a doctor.Screenwriters:
Best we can do is a veterinarian.
Coming soon to Fox and Friends: a crime fighting duo useless at stopping mass shootings. They are THOUGHTS AND PRAYERS, Wednesdays at 9 pm.
TWEET CALL
Thank you to 15k of you who followed me for one reason or another! Please share one tweet from you or a friend and please consider donating to this friend of mine. She is in a bad place and trying to get out, please share if you can ❤️
If you ever see me with one of those stick figure family bumper stickers it means I’m dead and someone is wearing my skin
I forgot the word for stylist and called it looksmith.
My 7yo decided to make his video game character “look like daddy” by making him a grumpy necktie-wearing gorilla covered with gray hair, and I’d be mad but honestly the resemblance is uncanny
I’m at my most ninja when slipping on my seat belt as a cop car pulls up beside me.
LinkedIn is the best dating app because you know whether your potential love knows how to use Microsoft Excel.
It didn’t intend to write my 7-year-old’s school paper for him but I thought it was best for both of us I take over when he asked me how to spell serial killer.
i missed therapy because i was up until 4am making this
My newsfeed fills with “recommended tweets” based on my likes and retweets.
Me: YOU DON’T KNOW ME
Also me: oh look a puppy! *retweet
DAMMIT!
I just signed up my three kids for bike and swimming lessons this summer….anyone know who I can contact about selling a kidney?
I once dated a woman that said I used to much garlic and I got rid of that vampire right quick
respond to every april fools joke by staring the person directly in the eye and saying “yes, that truly was a fool’s joke”
When asked what deceased historical figure I’d like resurrected to be my dinner companion, I always answer Einstein.
When told it’s an uninspired, clichéd choice, I clarify Milena Einstein.
My bank balance is a gentle reminder that in a few years my twins will have to battle it out for one college place!
me: *tries to schedule car maintenance online*
website: we need you to call for that
me: *calls*
phone message: we’re busy, use the website
me: screams into the void
the void: please use the website
Lmao
living in a small apartment and not being able to find something is so embarrassing. like there’s three square feet in here what do you mean you cant find it
I like this time of year because I can dig graves in my front yard and people think it’s just a cute Halloween display
I just saved a bundle on future college tuition by finding out my 4 year old wants to be a gum ball when he grows up.
While it’s true that gay marriage doesn’t nullify straight marriage, if Beyoncé was born on your birthday it’s not your birthday anymore.
TEACHER: You just answered B to every test question
ME: I figured I’d get a few right
TEACHER: It wasn’t multiple choice
[returning from Damascus]
St Paul: “Friends! Let me tell you all about God’s son, Esus”
Voice from the crowd: “Esus? But I thought-“
St Paul: “The letter “J” doesn’t fall into common usage until the 16th century”
St Ohn: “It’s true”
The ways printers are like kids:
1. Need feeding
2. Are noisy
3. Can’t function when offline
[loses house key, starts a new life]
Can you imagine the pressure Morgan Freeman’s mom felt reading him a bedtime story?
There should be an Amazon driver at the Mall during the holidays so adults can sit on their lap and tell them what they want
Accidentally left the plunger in the toilet, so yeah the wife is wide awake now.