1970s: “Hey baby”
1990s: “Hey babe”
2014: “Hey bae”
2020: “Hey b”
2030: “All hail our glorious squirrel overlords”
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New Joker looks like he has the Memento disease and needs a bunch of tattoos to remind him he’s the Joker.
[meeting at the headquarters of literally any app]
good morning everyone, let’s get started. the first and only item on our agenda is, how do we make this app worse
[Victora’s Secret]
Wife: You’re the most supportive person I know.
*A person made of bras walks by*
Me: Um what about that guy?
Don’t cry because it’s over. Cry because you’re just a head in a jar in some science lab.
Octopus: *holding 8 guns* Looks like we got a Mexican standoff
Squid: *holding 8 guns* Not so fast *draws 2 more guns*
70 percent of parenting is sounding like a Scooby-Doo villain when you tell your spouse, “And I would have been able to get to those dishes if it weren’t for those meddling kids!”
[an octopus seeing a snake for the first time]
OMG a foot!
Oh no. My girlfriend sold her hair to buy me a pocket watch chain and I also bought myself a pocket watch chain.
What’s worse than a chick telling you she only thinks of you as a friend? When she says she thinks of you like a brother.
A 5 day juice diet. They said I would “feel it” working in just 5 days. They were right, I’ve never felt more hungry in all my life.
Yes, I put a semicolon in a tweet. What else am I supposed to do with my English degree?
Wife: You’re not using the instructions to build the bookcase?
Husband: Nope, I’m doing it entirely shelf-taught, haha
Wife: *eyes fixate on hammer*
This needs to be over soon because my husband is starting to realize I’m not out of his league.
Dad Dinosaur: Look son a shooting star make a wish!
Angsty Teen Dinosaur: I wish it would hit us and kill us all.
Him: What long nails you have!
Me: All the better to capture your DNA with if you murder me.
*dating is easy
5YO: Daddy, did you play Roblox as a kid?
8YO: *Interrupting* He didn’t have Roblox when he was kid. He would just play outside.
*Both start laughing*
People say you have to study Shakespeare in school, but Shakespeare never studied Shakespeare and look at him. He became Shakespeare.
How to stop Facebook Live and Marketplace notifications:
1) Open Facebook app
2) Go to Settings
3) Throw your phone into a river
Tarantino’s Star Trek is 100% going to feature a planet where white people have to say the N-word to survive
This kid is going places
God: Give them free will
Angel: Some of them are going to use it to say, “supposably.”
God: You know what? Let’s make a hell, too.
I just spent 15 minutes searching for my phone in my room, using my phone as a flashlight…
My last husband’s name is Don. I just added an E to it and walked away.
I’ve never seen the movie Snakes On A Plane. What’s it about?
Happy third birthday to the tartar sauce in my fridge
Poking holes in your parents condoms so there’s someone else to do the dishes
Self-knowledge is a purple vegetable. Beetroot yourself.
They’re a pack of lions
He’s some guy who hates lions
Together, they’re:
PRIDE AND PREJUDICEThis fall on CBS