I put a message in an empty wine bottle and threw it in the ocean.
It said, “Please refill and return to sender.”
Now I wait.
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Maybe all the vampires are always so angry and biting people because they can never eat any lasagne or spaghetti or anything that has garlic in it. Did you ever think about that? No you always think about yourself!
Me: Mmm these are so good! They just melt in your mouth
Cook: Those are ice cubes
Me: Delicious. How are they prepared?
Next time you yawn in front of me i’m gonna chuck a peanut m&m down your throat.
me: “£4,000 for a beehive?”
salesman: “sir, there are 8,000 bees in there, that’s only 50p each”
me: [checking my wallet] “give me 3 bees”
Michael Cera, too timid to send his food back even though he’s allergic to almonds, eats a meal and politely goes into anaphylactic shock.
if I were a british cop I would say “wots all this then” so freaking much.
the first guy to ride a horse was all like GIDDYUP HORSEY and the horse was all like DAMMIT WHO TOLD HIM THAT MAKES US GO
Our system is shit. I’m 24 and only have two years left on my moms health insurance. Then, I have to find a new mother
Her: Dude all your selfies look the same.
Me: That’s because it’s me in all of them.
*i put two straws in my drink*
gf: awhh 🙂
me: hell ya double barrel
*i use both straws*
The Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles wore masks to hide their identities from all the other walking and talking turtles
Once you realize most planets take about a billion years to stabilize in their orbits, you’ll feel much better about yourself
A guy on Tinder just asked if I wanted to go help him catch a raccoon so I guess I’m engaged now.
My boyfriend literally has no problem making friends with anybody…
4yo: mom the whistle makes my brain hurt
me: same
4yo: *blows whistle again*
Why use 2 A’s in the name Aaron? Why not 17? What’s stopping us?
One alternative to having kids is to hire two people to sit in your car and start a loud argument every time your favorite song comes on.
I am a full grown adult. Now listen to me discuss the various plot holes in Paw Patrol.
MY DOG (sitting at the dining room table, doing his homework): What does anthropomorphise mean?
genie: you have three wishes
me: i want 1000 ants to protect me
genie: you got it
me: psychic ants
genie: uh ok
me: make them as big as a blue whale
genie: dude what’s wrong with you
[drops son off for 1st day at daycare]
“Ok, Mr Hughes, see you at 3 o’clock.”
“Not a chance. He’s your problem now.”
Investing in beetcoin
My couch doubles up as a bed, a work station, a cheeto hiding place…. it’s like the other furniture isn’t even trying!
Tried to pull up my long sleeve but my fingers slipped and I punched myself in the chest. My husband really hit the jackpot.
Welcome to fatherhood, the only one calling you daddy now is your kids.
I told her love was all about sacrifice, but she still screamed when she saw the dead goat.
peep davidson
Me: I like the cuddles more than the rough hugs.
Coach: Again, they’re called “huddles” and “tackles.”
[firing torpedo from submarine]
torpedo: but I don’t know how to do anything else