Neanderthal: *flirting* you know what they say, once you go Neanderthal you never go back at all
Scientist: why do they say that?
Neanderthal: because I smashed your time machine
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Grim Reaper: I’m here for the sole!
Waiter: *whimpering* omg can I… can I say bye to my family?
Grim Reaper: uh, no, the fish special.
Not much, just measuring things in cups to annoy Europeans, what about you?
What’s the difference between a cranky two-year-old and a duckling?
One is a whiny toddler, and the other is a tiny waddler!
Wanna know my secret to rock hard abs? I ride the mechanical duck outside the grocery store 300 times a day.
What personal space?
My dog
I like to piss my husband off by using the switch right beside me rather than screaming at devices all over the house in codes I can’t a remember and a voice they don’t listen to, recognize, or understand just to turn one goddamn living room lamp on.
We were so high at the movies that I tried find my seatbelt and my friend helped me look for it.
If every time someone asks you to do something you quietly gasp and whisper, “Like the prophecy foretold.” People stop asking you to do things.
50% of raising kids is begging them to use their words.
50% is begging them to be quiet.
Watching The Blair Witch Project. They brought no alcohol or drugs?
Sucks how every girl I’m interested in is either taken or has good taste in men.
We only have one day set aside to celebrate women, but sharks get a whole week! Clearly, women need to start eating more people.
I was indifferent to Top Gun: Maverick, but I’m seeing so much good buzz about it that right now I’m going to drop everything and totally watch it on basic cable in a couple of years.
Me: My ex had a problem. He was constantly nauseous.
Friend: Actually that word is often used incorrectly. “Nauseated” describes feeling queasy. “Nauseous” means the person causes a feeling of sickness.
Me: I stand by what I said.
[leaving HS reunion w/ date]
Aren’t you going to ask why everybody was calling me ‘smelly boy’ tonight?
“Seemed pretty clear I thought”
She gives you butterflies.
She makes your hands sweat.
She sends chills down your spine.She just gave you her stomach virus.
My therapist says my little dragon friend isn’t real. But, my little dragon friend says my therapist isn’t real, and I’ve known her longer.
Who named it an army ant and not a combatant?
I’m donating my body to science. I’m getting sick of it taking up space in the freezer.
I dig, you dig, we dig, he digs, she digs, they dig.
It’s not a beautiful poem, but it’s very deep.
I ate a doughnut today with no sprinkles. Diet goals accomplished
I still to this day think about that tweet where a girl said she walked into her room holding her phone in one hand and a cup of tea in the other and threw the wrong one onto her bed
fedex left me a note that they missed me, which is so sweet cause I miss u too, u bunch of box-destroying psychopaths
God: you’re a Squid.
Squid: actually I’m a Kraken.
God: what’s a Kraken?
Squid: nothing what’s a Kraken with you? lol.
God: wa-was that an ocean pun?
Squid: maybe, did you like it : )
God:
Squid:
God: you krilled it : )
Noah’s flood = God clearing his browser history
Kid 1: *super tired, falls asleep early*
Me: *gets hopes up for easy bedtime*
Kid 2: *hold my espresso*
Lambs: “BAAAAAAAAA!!!”
Hannibal Lecter: “Shhhhhh!”
Lambs: “Baaaa!”
Hannibal Lecter: “Shhhh…”
Lambs: “…”
Hannibal Lecter: “Much better.”
Me: Cute baby, when was she born?
New mother: Yesterday.
Me: *opens coat filled with knock-off watches* Hey kid, I got Rolexes, 50 bucks.
Hey y’all, I finally got a smart phone. I’m a big girl now!
Anyone got a 5 year old I can borrow to teach me how to use the damn thing?
*digs in purse to pay for purchase*
Me: Whew, wasn’t sure I had enough. *awkward laugh*Clerk: Would you like to donate $1 to…
Me: *starts digging again*