General Anesthesia implies the existence of Major Anesthesia.
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My kid informed me that her favourite salad is butter and I felt that
A parakeet that won’t shut up equals dinner for fluffy tonight.
Her: I thought you said you were ordering spicy food.
Me, choking on 14 churros: CINNAMON’S A SPICE
The hardest part of working out at home is seeing how much dust there is under my furniture.
As a kid in the 70’s when I told my dad I wanted to go to the movies to see Grease, he told me to go look in the lard can on the stove.
I never understood why chefs wear white.
I go in the kitchen to get a glass of water and come back with five stains on my shirt.
Cow stumbles into a pot field. The steaks have never been higher.
If you hit people hard enough with a tennis racket they turn into waffles.
As a kid, I thought Simba was crazy to run after Mufasa was killed.
But, after watching so many true crime docs, I get it. It does look like he lured his dad to that gorge. Witnesses heard him sing “I just can’t wait to be king.”
A good prosecutor could get a conviction with that
My mom was right. My face did stay this way.
I am waiting for the day we have a national scandal involving a gate
Me: alright early to bed
Brain: nice
Me: need a good night sleep
Brain: rest is important
Me: don’t go saying shit to keep me awake all night
Brain: I won’t
Me: …
Brain: …
Me: …
Brain: …
Me: you still awake?
Brain: my guy if you’re awake I’m awake we been thru this
Hate when other parents at school drop off act like they’re better than me just because they remembered to bring all of their children
Romeo and Juliet is my favorite story about idiot teenagers who don’t know the difference between sleeping and dead
My right eye is twitching like it’s at some kind of techno dance party that the rest of me wasn’t invited to.
ROBBER: is this all the cash?
CASHIER: yes but would you like to donate $1 to charity
ROBBER [tears welling up inside his ski mask]: ok
ME: we’re gonna crash I thought you said you could fly this thing
HER: no I just said that I do pilates
ME: *sighing* fine then call one of them and see if they can help us land
My toxic trait is putting my black phone down on a black surface for “just a second”
Why do depressed people stay in bed? Beds were made for happy stuff like sex and naps and battles.
How did my operation go Doc?
Dr ;
What?
Dr ;
Omg I’ve only got half a colon?
Of course folks gravitate toward you. You’re non-threatening and likeable. Same qualities as a serial killer.
*puts cutlery down*
Stop letting your dogs piss on fire hydrants. Some of us use those for parkour.
“My dog’s learning to speak a foreign language.”
“Español?”
“No, he’s a labrador.”
[first Captain to go down with the ship]
Captain: are you sure this a thing? I feel like this isn’t really a thing.
Crew: [already rowing away in the lifeboat]
I have to go to a birthday dinner for someone I don’t like much, so I plan on bringing up politics right away so I can go home early.
Employees must applaud the planets.
I drive my brother’s BMW because I can only afford to borrow a midlife crisis.
If your kids are getting on your nerves you can take them sledding and watch them face plant into the snow for a sense of justice.
“Why am I so thirsty?”
*Flashback to me eating half a ham*
“Oh, right”