Me: *answering each question by shouting my name and Social Security number, refusing to crack*
Job Interviewer: *growing increasingly flustered*
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Just realized the Master Card logo is a Venn diagram.
Petition to change the term “Twitter Crush” to Tweetheart.
My ex is on Facebook saying how much he misses travelling, like he ever went further than the pub
The leather seats in your car waiting for you to wear shorts on a hot day
My dog really needs to learn how to drive a stick
because what good is fetching one bottle of vodka.
Omg, autocorrect! For the millionth time, I don’t hate all those birches…
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc of my irrational paranoia
HER: yes
ME: did the dog put you up to this
[Screams into a dark wishing well]
“I want my coins back!”
Modern Warfare: a $700,000,000 dollar plane drops a $50,000 bomb on a $1.00 tent
Yes, I DO think “did you bring my pizza?” is an acceptable answer when you’re in a public bathroom and someone knocks on the door.
Immediately pulled out of any TV show if there’s a bookcase in the background. “Why do they have two copies of Twilight Eclipse!?” I yell at my wife as she Googles divorce lawyers…
[lifeguard panting and dropping me in sand] what the hell
[me trying to catch my breath] sorry. I thought you were a shark for most of that
What an awful time to have common sense.
Looking to hire someone who can photo edit my ex out of all of my vacation photos and replace him with a potato
All 3 kids need braces so I explained to them that they will have beautiful teeth but no further education.
When I die, I want to be buried with a few random animal bones so archeologists 1,000 yrs from now will wonder what the hell I was
I hate it when computer games force you to make lots of difficult choices. My choices are why I’m 34 years old and playing computer games on a Monday. Clearly choices aren’t my strong point.
ME: I need a new phone, this one got wet
VERIZON: How’d you get it wet
ME: I talked dirty to it
HIM: ……
ME: Water asshole. How else?
How much wood would Steve Winwood win if Steve Winwood could win wood?
*donates body to science*
Science: “I have a boyfriend”
Wife: Put the dishes away I have other things to do.
Me: ok
*Me loading dishwasher with wife watching entire time to ensure I do it right*
Satan: And this is the TV room.
Me: This isn’t so bad. *turns on TV*
*only thing showing is golf*
If you didn’t want me gazing in your bedroom window then you shouldn’t have put it at the same height as my ladder.
When I used to drink, by this time on a weekend y’all would’ve already seen me mostly naked. Y’all should be especially thankful for my sobriety.
Petulant: (defn.) a cat or dog you let a friend borrow
Some dude told me he’s had 100 times more girls than me which made me laugh so much because 100 x 0 is still 0.
every coat is a fur coat when your cat sleeps on it
dispatch: we have a home invasion robbery in progress on the far side of the lake
rowboat cop: *grabs oar* I’ll be there in 6 hours
I had a dream where I thought I had rats in my bed but it turned out to be a passel of wiener dogs. If my subconscious mind were a person, I’d want it in jail.
So society’s *real* key workers have just been revealed.
Not the bankers. Not the traders. Not the elite hedge fund managers.
It’s the nurses. The doctors. The delivery drivers. The carers. The porters. The teachers. The shelf stackers. The check out staff.
#COVID19