I like to put on a clay mask and lurk around in the background while my daughter FaceTimes her friends.
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Just the best dancing sandwiches.
“It’s not you, it’s me.” -Twins looking at some family photos
If you want to set up a company and run it that’s your business.
Forget being the bigger person, I’m going to just start barking at people
The letter C should make a “ch” sound. S and K got the rest covered. Waste of prime alphabet real estate and does nothing original without help from my man H.
{Apocalypse}
ME (To War, Famine, Pestilence and Death): Can I pet your horsies?
Family: You never call anymore.
Me: I’m calling now?
Fam: Now’s not a good time.
Me: When should I call?
Fam: Anytime.
1st Date
Me: Just warning you. I get freaky.
Her: Oh yeah? How freaky.?
Me:*thinking of using pizza rolls as a pizza topping* So freaky.
A girl called me “sir” today and I was so angry I took off my suit of armor and stormed out of Medieval Times.
Had pizza for every meal, just one piece. Breakfast, lunch, snack, dinner. Four pieces total, but I’m 700 calories over budget which makes me want to eat the other four.
The best thing about living with my parents is being woken up four minutes before my alarm to be told my alarm is about to go off.
What I like about humanity is that certain mustaches are more evil than others, and everyone basically agrees on which ones are which.
My toddler eats with her right hand but is ambidextrous when it comes to total destruction.
My brain knows that there’s a guy doing work on my roof today, but my nervous system keeps acting like the house is under attack.
Me: You touched my heart.
Cardiologist: You’re not supposed to be awake, but thanks. LOL
I’m not sure what I did wrong but the pile of LEGOs left on the bath mat while I was in the shower seems like some kind of threat.
Dance like you’re not the father
The best detective novels are the ones where the detective is on holiday but then get forced to solve a local murder. We’ve all been in that situation where we just want some peace and quiet but then a holidaying detective shows up and solves the murder we’ve just committed.
if you’re in a bathroom & person in next stall sneezes, do you say bless you or just applaud like normal? need answer fast too late clapping
To provide better customer service, we’ve put a chat bot on our site to make sure you’re hung in an infinite loop without solving the problem, buried our phone number, & staffed our phone lines with people who follow a notebook flow chart before dropping your call
–companies
The best part of marriage is when your spouse goes on a diet and you don’t have to share your snacks.
Candy corn is the rare candy that’s worse than than the vegetable it’s based on.
WIFE: my battery died, do you have something that can power my cell?
ME: [sips from World’s Greatest Science Teacher mug] ᵗʰᵉ ᵐᶦᵗᵒᶜʰᵒⁿᵈʳᶦᵃ
Irony ~ giving my daughter a set of my old encyclopedias and she Googles “What’s an encyclopedia?”
Review of “grandma”: slow, slow-witted, terrified of technology, can’t bench for shit, no karate, basically racist ★☆☆☆☆
me: im not the jealous type
her: good i hate jealous guys
me: what guys. how many guys do u kno
DJ: “MARRIED PEOPLE IN THE CLUB TONIGHT MAKE SOME NOOOIISE!”
*Groans*
*Sobs*
*sighs*
*a solitary gunshot*
“Disney movies promote false images of the friendliness of woodland creatures,” I mutter after each rabies shot.
I always take two stairs at a time, that way if I fall, it’s only half the distance…..