One of my students told me she’s going to be a tooth fairy when she’s older. I didn’t even know that was an option!
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I like to think that all my unfollowers have violated their parole and been sent back to the big house. Just kidding, I hope they’re dead.
Being the father of teenagers means never trusting the tops of salt shakers ever again.
Apparently Pound Town is NOT a British dollar store
Everyone who’s ever dated me knows one thing: fire is my weakness. Set my body on fire and it will cause great damage.
My son to me, describing waking up without clothes on in the hospital after surgery when he was 6: “You have no idea what it feels like to wake up naked in a strange bed with no idea how you got there.”
Me: “Sure I don’t.”
Customer: can I get some bacon
Me: sure
Customer: can you make it fatty
Me: *holding back tears* bacon isn’t that hard to make
I’ll do anything for you as long as I don’t have to get out of this chair.
Now responding to all “hello”
DMs with “Adele?”
Apparently, Indian banks will give you a loan only if you prove that you don’t need it.
be myself? the person who got me into this mess????
Before pulled pork, pork just used to stand on the edge of the dance-floor, nodding to the music and looking cool.
Oh really, your baby’s “strong for his age.” Bring him to the dojo
I followed this woman on a bike with an empty baby seat for a half a mile yelling, “your baby jumped out!” before she gave me the finger.
so i told my boyfriend i was having my period and he said “Again?”
you know what, you’re right im going to cancel that monthly subscription
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes.
Netflix: How long has it been since you showered?
I’m so white I once said “imma bounce” at a party and then hopped away like a bunny rabbit.
*Game Character Treatment Center*
Counselor: Okay new faces, please tell us why you’re here
Pac-Man: Binge eating
Lara Croft: Kleptomania
Ryu: *crying* I can’t stop fighting streets
if you can’t judge a book by its cover then graphic design is a big fat lie
Keep a few cat turds in your pockets, just in case a cop searches you. He will get cat poop on his hands, and you can laugh. It’s all legal.
I just want someone to make me feel like I did the first time I figured out a special move in Mortal Kombat.
*travels to Tibet*
*scales Mount Makalu*
*finds sacred Guru on the summit*Guru: We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty.
ADAM: [rummaging through a pile of leaves] EVE, HAVE YOU SEEN MY WORK CLOTHES, HONEY?
When you’ve lost your own gloves & just grab the first pair that turn up.
BANK ROBBER: There’ll be no trouble as long as everyone is cool
ME *remembering I’m me* oh no
Made eye contact with a dude walking his dog while I was taking a sip of water from my bottle. The cap was still on. We both noticed.
Please respect my privacy during this difficult time.
[first person to dance] what’s happening to my extremities
If GMOs can make hundred pound tomatoes why don’t I have a pet teacup elephant yet?
Hold that thought while I slip into something more comfortable.
*moves to Fiji*
My eye keeps twitching. I’m no doctor, but I feel like eating a large quantity of bread and cheese will probably cure it.
Feels like the fourth month in January