Revenge is a dish best served cold. Unless revenge is a meatloaf. That you should heat in the oven for forty-five minutes at 350 degrees.
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Womb is pronounced as “woom” and tomb as “toom”.
It’s only fair that bomb should go “boom”.
The UPS driver beat on my door so loudly that it sounded like the cops. Calm down, dude, it’s just my cat food.
Gave myself a steam facial* today
*opened a bag of freshly popped popcorn too close to my face
My walk of shame is just me leaving a party trying to hide a Tupperware container of leftover cake under my hoodie.
If you’ve ever wanted to reconnect with people you haven’t seen in ages, take a quick trip to the grocery store looking like complete shit.
[both me and the child chasing me with a knife slow to a walk as we go by the pool]
3 asked if I remembered when she had a cough and I brought her snacks in bed and I asked if she was worried about getting a cough because of the pandemic and she said what pandemic can I just bring her snacks in bed
7-year-old: I jumped in a puddle and almost drowned!
Me: You’re exaggerating.
7: It was in that puddle you always complain about.
Okay, it might have been deep enough.
I was kinda flattered when the police sketch artist made me better looking.
Showing that you can fit your fist in your mouth on the first date is only sexy if you can get it back out afterwards
By the power vested in me by this case of beer, I now pronounce these three loads of laundry as one.
[friend at his party] I think we’re just gonna keep spotify on for awhile
[me with a harmonica imprint in my pocket] cool my lips hurt anyway
toddler: Lets go get a cake
wife: Why?
toddler: It’s somebody’s birthday somewhere
me *grabbing my keys* Can’t argue with that
I don’t follow American politics much. Did Kanye win?
ME: Hey bro you got toilet paper?
GUY IN NEXT STALL: Yeah [slides me toilet paper]
ME: No I don’t need any I’m just checking.
GUY IN NEXT STALL: Why?
ME: Because I care.
me, waiting for the doctor on the exam table
People say “like a boss” as if they forgot how much bosses suuuuck
Some of you are like family to me. I don’t want you calling me either.
I told the kids if they’re not good we’re flying United this summer.
who will die first, you or grey’s anatomy?
Friend: I can’t sleep.
Me: Have you tried putting your phone down?
Friend: Then how will I complain that I can’t sleep?
[interview]
So your resume says you used to be in the theater
yes that is correct
What made you leave it?
well, the movie ended so
You’d think for $40 they’d be able to cut anything but apparently my wife’s expensive craft scissors are not for opening ice pops.
There’s been a fire at London Zoo. Apparently two stick insects were having sex and it all got out of control.
There’s always that creepy couple inviting people to come over and sit in their hot tub…by the way, what are you doing tonight?
I couldn’t be a magician. I’d never be able to make something just vanish into thin air.
ALSO ME: I’m gonna put this in a safe place…
my dance moves can best be described as “did that dude just try to leap frog?” & “whoa that’s a lot of blood” & “is he still alive?”
You never feel as old as when you’re scrolling down to find your birth year
When you’re cruising down the highway of life, and glance over to see bumper to bumper traffic on the other side of the highway, only to find out that you’re actually going in the wrong direction
I think God created marriage so death wouldn’t come as such a disappointment.