CYCLOPS: what’s that screaming?
PROF. X: I maxed out the difficulty in the danger room
WOLVERINE: [running through the aisles of a virtual grocery store trying to avoid talking to neighbors, old class mates, and ex gfs] NOOOOOOOOOO
You Might Also Like
The nice thing about Hide-and-Seek is your children voluntarily go in a closet and be quiet for 3 hours.
All I’m saying is when a person is intoxicated, it’s difficult to tell if they’re dancing or backing up.
Woke up with morning Yule Log
Pronouncing “driest” like priest
Yes but what if Donald Trump IS actually dead but his toupee is alive and steering him round like a marionette?
[1st date]
-I’m a fish whisperer.
Wow, what does that mean?
-*whispers* Fish.
Oh… Haha um what do you-
-*whispers right in her ear* Fish.
[Ouija board in Starbucks]
“Speak to me spirits”
O M G H A V E U S E E N W H A T K R I S T Y I S W E A R I N G
G R O S S
Did anyone ask the daylight if it wanted to be saved?
I made $12 in the cryptocurrency market. Learn how I did it in my new book, “How I made $12 in cryptocurrency market”.
I’m not positive,
but I think when you say you’re “over” something,
YOU STOP TALKING ABOUT IT.
This is why I avoid Dollar Tree crayons…
If you listen carefully you can hear the sound of raindrops sighing. Really, you can hear almost anything if you’re high enough.
Corn mazes are great because how often does one get to experience the feeling of being trapped by corn
Nephew: Were the scorpions around when there were dinosaurs?
Me: You mean like the band?
I think my abs look pretty good for a mother of 2 kids.
I don’t have kids.
Man: “I think I saw a UFO last night”
UFO with fake moustache: “Nah, it was probably one of them optical gases or something”
getting home from the airport opening my bag to find nothing but 99 packs of frozen hotdogs. one missing
*leaves the kids w/ a new babysitter
*calls to check on the sitter
Gemini: Invisible hands draw closer to your throat. Also, an Adobe software update is available. It will require a restart.
ME: my wife and i are having a baby!
FRIEND: wow, that’s amazing! congratulations! sex?
ME: yes, that’s how we made the baby…
Truthful Tuesday: If a rapper raps about how much money he has then I download his music for free.
[kneeling down to watch a worm disappear into a little worm hole in the dirt] godspeed brave little time traveler
Maybe Bigfoot wouldn’t be so reclusive if we stopped body shaming him
Teachers: You can’t write an essay in a night. Exam: Write an essay in two hours.
Me: Grandpa hasn’t been the same since the war
Him: Vietnam?
Me: Thumb
ACCOUNTANT: you have a lot of outstanding debt
ME: thanks i worked really hard on it
Her: I hate organized religion
Me *trying to unnoticeably re-jumble my religion drawer*: psh, oh yeah, me too
(dumping an old couch in the ocean) i am creating an artificial reef, to act as a fish habitat
[I open my lunchbox to find flask of whisky]
But that means….
[Cut to my 4 y/o opening her lunchbox to find a flask of whisky]
My doctor is always whispering to me something about not sticking Q tips in my ears. I need a louder doctor