What inspires you to get out of bed every day? For me, it’s my bladder mostly
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The more you learn about Ebola, the more terrifying it is
There’s no limit to a child’s imagination? My 2 year old is yelling at me for taking too big of a bite from her pretend sandwich and she can’t make another one because we’re all out of pretend bread.
It’s alright if we’re doing it all wrong. After all, we are the first generation to deal with midlife crisis by staring at our phones.
Penguins are always dressed in formalwear because they often need to go to court to answer for their terrible crimes
For an extra ten grand I’ll make it look like an accident and for an extra 20 I’ll make it look like a HILARIOUS accident
I’m not particularly good at playing hide-and-seek with children because I have no desire to find them.
I’m THIS MANY drunk!!
*holds up waffle*
My alarm went off and I pressed the Sneeze button instead of the Snooze button. Gonna be a long nine minutes
First they make you step on the scale, and then they announce your weight out loud. It’s like the assistants at the doctor’s office don’t know anything about women.
then why did i get this email
Good morning to everyone except the parent in my 6yo’s class who paid out ten dollars as the tooth fairy.
When did the tooth fairy stop leaving four shiny quarters per tooth? In the same glass the tooth was in? I’m not busting into my kid’s college fund to hire an event coordinator and pay an imaginary glitter witch to be invisible for five minutes.
Thank god my brother’s getting his PhD, I was running out of ways to disappoint my parents.
Back-to-school tip for parents: while not explicitly forbidden, it is frowned upon to spray champagne on the hood of a departing school bus.
I’d like to meet those almond milk farmers. Shake their teeny hands.
I’m so old they didn’t even name my generation. They just called us hoodlums.
North Korea banned the use of sarcasm towards the government; I wouldn’t last an hour before they executed me.
me: *barges into the room*
how dare you accuse me of eavesdropping!
dog: *snickers*
priest: *sighs*
kid: *sniffle*
me: need a tissue?
kid: no
kid: *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle*
School crossing signs are bullshit, i’ve literally never seen a kid walking 20 mph
Would you rather have ten thousand dollars or five dollars for every time you thought you were hilarious but no one laughed?
Man sheep: thanks for coming out tonight.
Lady sheep: *blushing* thanks for asking me.
Man sheep: *opening door* you’re going to love this place. It’s All Ewe Can Eat.
My last cat loved deli meat, chicken pot pie, and spaghetti. Beto just looks at human food from across the room like “did it come out of a bag with my face on it? No?? That’s what I thought”
Wife: have you seen the dog bowl?
Me: no, is he any good?
[joker voice] one person steals a joke? they’re a joke thief. a scumbag. but a thousand people steal a joke? [smacks lips] that’s a meme
Rich people go to parties. It’s what they do. And somehow we must all watch videos of it.
don’t understand why electricians aren’t called power rangers but okay
If I got a dollar for every time I thought about you, I would start thinking about you
Him: Wanna bump uglies, baby?
Me: Ooh, yes please!* Grabs two ugly people and starts smacking them against each other. *
My name is Irving Markowitz.
You took my seafood.
Prepare to die.