Her: I just saw my parents having sex on the couch.
Me: Please tell me that’s a drink…
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Terminator: I’LL BE BACK
Me: Ok so I’ll see you…termi-later haha
Terminator: Actually I probably won’t be back
My life is a constant battle between wanting to correct grammar and wanting to have friends.
*sees cute guy approaching*
Me: *whispers to self* Don’t be weird… don’t be weird…
Him: Hey.
Me: *wombat noises*
I bet everyone had that one weird uncle who taught them how to do weird stuff like forage for berries or catch upstream salmon in their mouths and sleep for 6 months at a time just like my Uncle Bear
“pew, pew, pew!”
-me, pointing out seating options in a church
Her: Who ate all the ice cream?
Me: *blaming the dog* Reese
Her: What? How?
Me: Witherspoon
goes back in time to kill alexander hamilton so my wife will stop singing those god damn songs but when I return to the future I find that they just kinda worked my time machine into the musical
Shout-out to smartphones for eliminating tedious tasks from our lives like reading books or watching the road when we drive.
me: pls don’t do that
kids: [do it anyway]
me: I told you not to do that
kids: are you new
if the sun is such a cool and great star then why do all the other stars leave when it shows up
I’ve never really found myself “in a pickle,” but it sounds quite jarring.
What’s with these people who take a sip of their coffee as soon as they get it? Who are these iron-mouthed warriors?
Her: Why is that expression on your face?
Me: I’m trying to remember your name.
Her: It’s Kelly.
Me: No that’s not it.
Did you know there are people who go away for 3 days and only pack 3 days’ worth of clothing?
The neighbor is having an open home
How long should I stand at my front door naked yelling at birds?
My family can’t decide what kind of Lab to get (Chocolate, Yellow, Black, etc.) so we drew straws.
I won, so we’re getting a Meth.
My husband bought a steamer because I don’t iron. I wonder how long it’s going to take him to figure out that I don’t steam?
What’s the best motorcycle for cardio? I’m trying to get into biking for exercise.
Birth certificates need a popup dialog box: “Are you SURE you want to spell your kid’s name that way?”
Me: there’s a swarm of beets outside
Her: you mean bees?
[loud thud on the window]
Me: get the gun
[Million dollar idea] : Spaghetti Sauce colored Tupperware.
Having this propane tank bounce around my floorboard is one way to work up a sweat on a chilly morning
[Flat-earth expedition log]
Day 746: We continue to sail West in search of the edge. Earth is much larger than we believed & surprisingly repetitive. We sailed past another island with huge stone heads on it. That’s the third one so far.
“Paypal me your lunch money!” -Cyber Bullies
Pro tip: Instead of having kids, just adopt a couple raccoons. They’ll trash your house too, but at least they can feed themselves.
Keep your friends’ cake
and your enemies’ cake.
having twitter is just like reading the newspaper except the newspaper is on fire and all the writers hate you
My parents would hide fruit roll ups on top of the refrigerator where I couldn’t reach them. And leave chemicals under the sink.
“Sometimes I feel like a woman trapped in a woman’s body” – Russian nesting doll
My wife still brings up the one time in 2014 when an open bag of popcorn fell from the top kitchen cabinet and I whispered cornfetti